March 28th, 2013 at 07:12am
You give away far too much in the summary. Like so much I don't even want to read the story anymore. It feels like it'll be a repeat.
You should definetly try and experiment with the type of language you use. Try and include more imagery and more variations of words. Like rather than sit you could say slouch or rest or squish into a chair. You know? It's more fresh that way. Your stories seems to have an interesting premise. Try and steer clear of stereotypes and keep being original.
Also talking about the characters beliefs and values to kind of steer their actions would make it more realistic and nice.
Oh sorry I'm usually really bad at summarizing things XD.
And thank you for the help I need all that I can get, hopefully I'll get better in the future. (: