Sport - Comments

I really like the concept of this and the way you've tied in the picture so fully - from Raylan's short hair to the bridal style kiss.

I'm a fan of simple titles too, so "Sport" was absolutely perfect.

In saying that, I think that there are a few things you could improve on:

Your retrospective paragraphs could be put into italic present tense (flashback style) to have more impact. It just came across very tell-not-show instead of the reverse and a lot of the romance was lost - which is a real shame. I did really like how Raylan rolled his eyes when Carson confessed though. It really made his character feel more real.

Some of the sexual things mentioned are really awkward. Like "He let me enter him and find my release" and "I let him feel pleasure as well." Talking about pleasure sexually is a slippery slope, I've found. There are just so few times that it works. This is mostly because when two people are having sex, it's not that romantic. You can be crude. Sex is crude. It can still be soft and loving, but it's still sex. Instead, it might be better if you talk about more of the touching/being with someone finally (if you intend on keeping it R rather than NC-17). It'll accomplish the same thing, just a bit more naturally. We don't want erotica-novel clichés.

Also, you need to proof-read again. There are a couple of little typos and things. Just ask if you need some help with that though.

I absolutely love the ending. I thought it was adorable and overall, a very cute story.

Good luck in the contest!

@ polka dot perfection
You always seem to find my stories. I have just learned that it is only a matter of time before you find it.

Hot shit I didnt even realiza you were the author!!!!!
Probably why I love it so much!!!! Haha:)

@ polka dot perfection
Yeah well. I am glad that you like it.

Thid needs to be a whole story!_!!!!!!!!