Hunter's Heart - Comments

This is a great start. I'd say it's more of a oneshot than a drabble simply because it seems incomplete and more story like than a telling of emotions, but there is definitely room for a great plot to develop if you do make it into a chaptered story. (which you should!!:))

The first thing I noticed was that you change tenses several times (I do it all the time without realising too!). Most of the story is in past but the second paragraph and parts of the fourth are in present so for example you'd change it from and 'that's when I hear it' to 'that's when I heard it' etc.

Secondly, there's a lot of loose ends to this piece. I didn't really understand her relationship with him or why she was running (did he attack her? why?) or why she wanted to die. What do her two names mean/ signify? They clearly have a history, explain it! I want to know more.

But apart from that, this is really interesting. It's the sort of thing I enjoy reading and you managed to portray her fear and his love quite well. Your descriptions are also quite good. Just a little more polishing and you're there, well done!! :)

The beginning of this was wonderfully written but near the end it got a bit sloppy and some words were misused and misplaced. Otherwise from that it was a good story. I would love to read this as a short story!
Anyway check the contest thread on April 29th to see if you’ve won.

This story is really interesting. For sure though the details that would make it stronger are missing. There's no hints at her life except the end. She could be anyone. But if she is who he says there should be more knowing about the forest and things she remembers or attaches to the details. You should look up overstatement and understatement and freight train sentences. Those would add to your story. Also if you talk about her beliefs and what she thinks of her purpose in the world would be great too because this story is full of despair and knowing if she believes in God to help her would be hopeful or purposeful.

Anyways good luck. You're very creative and reflective!!

I agree with allicat, I would love if this turned into a full story. Right when I finished reading this I wanted to read more of it.

I really like it! I think it would be cool if you turned it into a full story, I would be interested in it!