When Timid Turned Into Tension. - Comments

Yay! I'm so glad you updated :) can't wait to see how Tom fixes this!

Can't believe this update was rushed, doesn't seem like it! Love it, can't wait fr the next one :)

@ Join the Masquerade
Thank you!! I'm glad you enjoyed it :(

Great update :) I didn't think it was rushed at all.

I love this! Can't wait for the next chapter :)

@ ShesABasketCase
Thank you!
I won't lie, I've slacked off quite a bit do to some personal issues going on, but I constantly think of this story and where I want to go :)

I really cannot wait for the next chapter, this is brilliant

@ Join the Masquerade
Aww yes, I'm REALLY trying to stay away from the cliche's here!!
Based off of experience from when I drank, this could have gone a LOT more ridiculous.
I'm American, give me booze and I WILL become obnoxious!
Glad you liked it :)

I loved the update At first, I didn't like the ridiculousness of their drunken behaviour, but that's probably because I don't drink haha
I loved that Tom looked after her, and you didn't make them do anything stupid :P

@ j.lynn
If staying up late is helping you improve and see the kinks that you can work on your story then by all means do it. Dialogue is a hard thing to tackle with but there are times when the dialogue will become so easy and flows really well and you don't have to think about it while you're writing. You will need some dialogue can't based all of your chapters with none unless it's some type of letter story.

@ j.lynn
I also hate dialogue. So much :P It feels so forced haha

Edit: I just realised you've updated.

Looove this story. I feel I can relate :P It's annoyingly painful haha. I know a guy that I had a thing for, and we'd hang out and I'd say the kinds of stupid things Amelia says. Then I ended up dating a bunch of guys and couldn't like them how I should have because of this one Tom guy that was always on my mind.

@ Join the Masquerade
I'm glad you liked it again!! I will look back through what I had written before so I can find where you are talking about and try to work it in somewhere. And I also fixed the text alignment, as much as I dislike italics sometimes, it does make more sense to use. And I'm also going to look at changing it into past tense too, I'm just afraid of it turning out weird. I guess I shoudn't knock it till I try it though!
I put more dialogue between Tom and Amelia in present tense too, if you find any problems with that, please let me know. I'm not really comfortable with writing dialogue. :)

Why did you not include the part that starts with, "Tom looked in Amelia’s direction..." where it fit in the story? You are writing in third person, so it still kinda fits. I get that you are writing from Amelia's point of view in third person so maybe you could reword it just slightly so that it still shows how Tom is feeling, but is written from her perspective? Like, "Amelia noticed that Tom had looked in her direction..." etc.

I didn't pick up on the change in text alignment until halfway through the second part when I was annoyed that it was aligned to the right. But that's just personal preference.
Personally, I would have told the first encounter in past tense because I hate changing tenses in a story. But if that's how you do things, stick to it. Maybe if you don't like the idea of putting it in italics, you could include a page break:

---

^ this will appear if you type in [line]

I would have liked for you to have come back to the first scene at the end, where they were sitting together on the couch.

But I liked it, again :D

@ teenagedream91
Thank you! I'm still battling with the layout unfortunately. I just finished the second chapter but will post it in the morning (I want to re-read it again before I post it), but I think I am a lot more pleased with how this is turning out. I think staying up until 4:00 AM is really helping too. honestly.

This is a lot better and the title! It changed! It's a lot better too and it summed up the whole thing in one sentence. I'm glad you improved on the little changes that you did.

I liked this :) I agree with everything that @ teenagedream91 mentioned, especially the commas. As a general rule, don't place more than one comma in a sentence. :)
It did move a bit too fast if this is a chaptered story but as a short, as it is, it was quite okay. If you were to keep it as one chapter however, you would need to add in something that described her uneasiness a little more and maybe some more background on her.

@ j.lynn
It's not a deal breaker, but yeah it can be cut down dramatically. Yeah I can help you with the layout. It was a hassle trying to figure the whole thing out when they came out with a new one. I see well seeing that you chose that particular line the title could be something like, Let it go, or maybe Unspoken Lust or something that deals with a secret or some kind of what deals with your story.
Yeah you can make it into a three shot, but I still recommend you getting into the background a little more. People would wonder how it all started or when the feelings began. It will let the readers come to see what kind of person Amelia really is. haha dialogue well you can summarize her feelings to avoid dialogue if you want. You're welcome

@ teenagedream91
Thanks, haha. I definitely noticed the comma thing. No excuses, but it was 3 AM by the time I finished. And could you potentially help me with the layout thing? I spent a lot of time looking that up but still don't understand it. As for the title.. I couldn't really think of anything at all, so I just chose a line. (I sure sound like I put a lot of thought into this, huh?).
I was thinking of making it into a three-shot or something? That way I wouldn't have to rush anything and I would have to do more detail. I HATE dialogue though. I hate it. haha. Thank you for the response :)

It's a great start for a story. We get to know the inner thoughts of what Amelia and what she is kind of like. She's withdrawn and a bit shy when around her crush. There are a few things that you can change though, it felt like the whole thing was a bit fast. Maybe if you extended it on how long Amelia yearned for Tom's touch or many have a few stories on how close she is to him, maybe add something that made her realize why she was so carnal towards Tom. Add a little more background since one thing she says kiss me and then he does it. It's a bit confusing, yet the whole style of your writing is great for a first timer. Trust me it's really good though you can work on not murdering your sentences with commas haha you don't need so many. Plus to draw in more readers is to have a layout. A simple layout that wouldn't overwhelm the readers, one thing that makes readers back out is lack of wonder when it comes to your layout AND the title can also be something that people depend on. The title isn't strong enough, maybe you could come up with something different than what you have now. I will gladly help if you need any :)