Stupidity and Boys and Alcohol - Comments

Okay, so I like the summary to this story, short and snappy, (therefore in my mind, effective.) I like the layout too as you're writing about boys and it kinda challenges the gender stereotypes with the hearts (if you get what I mean :tehe:) So, yeah, it made me want to read more.

Okay, the story. -Slaps self and gets reading-

What a stupid boy. Stupid stupid stupid. That’s all he ever was. He woke, groaning with a sick feeling in his throat. Hangover. Another one. I like this opening line, it's also short but again effective as you're describing ALMOST from his point of view, so he wouldn't be thinking many coherent thoughts with a hangover, so it works well.

He felt happy when he saw his insides unloaded into the toilet bowl. He liked the feeling when it came out of his mouth. Great line, use of emotive language and plain grossness (:tehe:) draws the reader in here.

You do change tenses at a point in the introduction, and I need to criticise something, so I thought I'd point it out. When he turned twenty, he promised he’d stop. But he didn’t, he just kept going. This is why he’s so stupid. Stupid boy. Sick boy. Stupid. You were speaking in past tense, and then you go to present tense, which can be a little confusing for the reader to follow.

When he was fifteen he met a boy. Sounds clichéd and boring, right? He met a boy who looked like a girl who looked like she’d just done it with a cokehead. Well done. When he was sixteen, he was close friends with the boy. When he was seventeen, they were nearly attached at the hip. Who cared? It’s not like people hadn’t been like this before...inevitable. He now lived with the boy. The boy had a name. The name was Ryan. Ryan supported him. Made him stable, made him believe he was worth living. Tried to make him stop. Each night, Ryan would whisper into his ear. “You can stop now. You can stop for me. Night, Brendon. Love you.” It was a routine. Ryan would give him a light kiss on the forehead before shutting off the light, closing the door and going to his room for his night’s sleep. He was worried. Whole paragraph I know, but I love the way you put short sentences. It fires at the reader and is very good. The only thing I'd advise is to paragraph change or at least add just one line in between the shortened sentences as it can be quite a lot to swallow.

Ryan believed in God. Ryan believed that there was someone there out to help. Ryan believed that miracles can happen. Though you change tenses here, I like this part of the story, where you're going in and out of their thoughts.

They kissed. Awweh!! Again, I would never be able to pull the whole short sentence thing off, but you did perfectly. It was a very sweet story :cute:

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oh wow, i love this(: when you read it, you just get this...happy vibe. it's hard to explain. i totally agree with Peter Petrelli. - the opening is fantastic. It really drags you in, and makes you want to read more, which is fantastic.

I LOVE how the story is in second person. Sure, lots of stories use that person - but yours just sticks out to me. It's very smart how you slip in what appears to be just little, random lines that seem like they mean nothing at all...Example: Ryan usually seeing Brendon in just his boxers. When I see that i instantly get an image of Ryan staring at Brendon's body. It really is very smart.

Overall, this is a fantastic piece. When I skimmed over it, it stuck in my head for the rest of the day, and i'm not exaggerating. The sentence structure is a good choice, and i really don't have much to say to improve it, but if you really need it, add just a touch more description.

Firstly, I really enjoyed this, it was well written and amusing to read.

I loved the opening; it’s clear your ability to make a decent narrative hook is outstanding.
What a stupid boy. Stupid stupid stupid. That’s all he ever was.

Easing himself into death, that’s what he was doing. Drinking and not eating and not sleeping properly and putting himself into pain. That’s what he was doing.

That bit is probably one of the best descriptions of someone in that situation that I’ve read.

You portrayed Ryan and his role extremely well.

Your dialouge; which tends to be where most writers slip up and the story gets a bit tedious is also goo, you stay away from the common overuse of “say” and “said”, something most writers are guilty of.

If your looking to improve it, I guess the only thing I could really pick up on is some more description, but in all honesty that’s the only improvement I can think of.

This was really good.
I loved it. :)

I like it... it's great

Imma sue yr teacher if you don't get high marks.