Caged - Comments

I enjoyed the fact that your summary is like how a published novel’s could be and your prologue quite solid. You showed us what the narrator thought of his best friend and how he trusted him, as well as how he was betrayed. The last sentence of the prologue sums up everything and gets us ready for what’s going to come next.

On chapter one I enjoyed the commands Eli gave to himself in order to push himself to do things as he would and the format the words were written in the notes he received.

The development in the next two chapters is quick and it seems rushed. Even if that was the order the events
happened a little more detail could have changed the flow for a better course, but his mother showing up and his best friend calling him after he betrayed him and saying it was Eli’s fault because he was homosexual was nice.

The memory of his sister dying in chapter four is too traumatic. Honestly, too sad.

Chapter five was weird to say the least. I could understand a mother being okay with her son being homosexual but showing up out of nowhere and after so long, and trying to get her son together with someone, let alone send him live there over summer holidays is weird, too weird.

Kenton didn’t really seem to care that much over Eli, but he still felt sad at the end of chapter seven when he saw Eli’s scars. He asked Eli to never do it again, but he could see that Eli had lied even though they had just met. Loved the ending, seemed sad but sweet somehow because for that moment; Kenton cared for Eli.

The next chapter was good. I could honestly picture the three boys enjoying the view after the memories as Eli had said, though it was just his inner self fighting. It painted a nice imagine in my mind.

Chapter nine was good too. I enjoyed the two characters interacting and the second half of the chapter were Kenton was reading Eli’s songs and saw his drawings as well as Eli’s reaction and what he whispered before he fell asleep. Good stuff.

Next chapter was a nice continuation seeing how Kenton examined Eli’s battle scars as Eli himself called them. The sarcastic remark about Kenton’s working brain from Eli was enjoyable too.

The first time the anonymous POV showed up added a bit of mystery, though I was almost 100% sure it’s Eli’s father.

Chapter thirteen was great. They were finally together Kenton and Eli and after that teasing scene. I loved it. Plus, there was that anonymous POV which added a thriller trait to the story.

So, this psycho girl popped out of nowhere and wants Kenton like crazy? Mad crazy? Enough to hold a knife and threaten Kenton that she’d kill Eli? I enjoyed the Spanish part where Rachelle couldn’t understand and Alex’s POV which showed how much he cared for Eli. It was the first time in the story Alex’s feelings can be seen.

At chapter fifteen, I really am wondering about Kenton’s past, and the last sentence of the chapter is the cause of it. Great way to end a chapter, and the sexual scene with Rachelle while Eli was there was good too. We can understand how hurt Eli is, but not Kenton’s feelings because as a young boy he still felt good without wanting to.

After reading chapter seventeen, I have to say that I am amazed with the details and the deepness of Kenton’s feelings as he counts he cuts he makes on himself. Too sad. I am also pretty confused. So, Jared raped Kenton in the past? Jared, as in Eli’s ex best friend? If that’s so, then I’m shocked.

The development was a bit rushed in the next few chapters till just before the epilogue but you went into more detail and the multiple POVs weren’t that much of a turn off, though you could have added more of them to the point we could get used to them and understand your antagonists more.

The epilogue was good but the seven years later part could have been better if it went in detail and if that was the actual epilogue with a special chapter about their daughter and family.

Overall, the ideas used in the story are good and you could have written this story better. It needs a lot of work but your ideas are grand from the way the last chapters were written, you can do it. Your skill has shown. There were a few writing mistakes/typos but nothing too major. Italics and bold text should have been used too, especially the thoughts and the texts.

I see that you have a good story here and I believe you can turn it to a gem if you polish it enough.

–Maria.

Comment swap sends you in some interesting places! So, I only read the first two chapters, but from what I can tell this has the potential to be a really great story. One of my all time favorite book trilogies is Rainbow Boys. Now sure if you have heard of it, but if not it seems like you would really enjoy them, but I digress. What I was trying to say is this is a subject that truly gets my heart. I may be straight as an arrow, but I have great friends whom aren't and the discrimination you capture is so true. There were a few grammar/spelling errors here and there, but nothing that really jumps out. All in all this is really solidly written from what I can tell. I will not only continue to read it, but I will also be adding it to my recommended reading list! Thanks for the read! (:

@ lexi.may92
Whooh YAY I look forward to it ^.^

bebe updating my other stories soo@ BittersweetRevenge
awww thank you! it means a lot to know people like my writing, and I should be updating my other stories soon :3

That was a terrible (the part where you made Kenton kill Eli but you were just fucking with us) I was like WHAT?!?!?!?! yeah but I love this story so much.. I'm pretty sure that I've read it before but it was still fabulous

That was a terrible (the part where you made Kenton kill Eli but you were just fucking with us) I was like WHAT?!?!?!?! yeah but I love this story so much.. I'm pretty sure that I've read it before but it was still fabulous

I'm from comment swap, also. This story hit home because I know a lot of people who have had to stay in the closet because their parents would kick them out their friends would disown them, not to mention the bullying that people face. I agree with the other comment snappers - more description would be great, especially during conversations between the characters, and don't be afraid to step outside of your comfort zone in order to get a strong message across. This is a really good start and I hope that you keep developing as a writer! I think some more character development would be great!

Hey baby girl I love the story and cant wait for our co author :) love you and miss you so much tell everyone hi for me!!!! This story was phenomenal and inspirational and amazing!!!!! Have fun with OMN and im almost done with LIU ^.^ ;) <3

Comment swap :)

Wow, this is a very moving story! It's so realistic, which is sad because no one deserves to go through stuff like that on a day basis. I haven't finished the entire story yet, but I'm really looking forward to it.
I agree that you should fix the dialogue. It's confusing sometimes because I don't know who's saying what, but that's totally fixable.
I don't really have much to complain about! Great story! Keep writing! You have no idea how much it could help someone to read this! :)

Aww, I felt so bad for Eli throughout this whole story. It's so sad that things like that actually happen in real life and people actually get treated that way for just being who they are.
I think if you want to improve your story a bit more, you could try using more description when you use dialogue because it comes off reading sort of like a play instead of a novel.
Other than that thing, I think you're doing a great job writing this story and I hope that you continue to keep writing it and telling Eli’s story!

Ohmygod Deja. So RUH for both, here we come. Oh god. Thanks @butterbutt. Moose.??

great book

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