This sounds like the beginnings of a great story! I will definitely be subscribing. I love sense of restlessness in both of the men, even though they are uneasy about the change in their lives.
There are a few things I would change, though. The last line of the Paul section for example you say "Taking a deep breath I leaned my head back and watched my old life fad out of sit. Closing my eyes, I let sleep take me under as the train took me away." Here you use the verb take too often. Try: "I let sleep take me as the train carried my body into an unknown future." Or something like that.
You did it again in the Time Elapse section when you say: "Walking in, I walked over to the counter...". Again I suggest changing that. You also said "I would like a 1-bedroom, please" I SAD.
These are all minor errors. Errors I probably have in my new story as well, I just thought I'd point them out to you. Great story though! I can't wait to read more.:)
There are a few things I would change, though. The last line of the Paul section for example you say "Taking a deep breath I leaned my head back and watched my old life fad out of sit. Closing my eyes, I let sleep take me under as the train took me away." Here you use the verb take too often. Try: "I let sleep take me as the train carried my body into an unknown future." Or something like that.
You did it again in the Time Elapse section when you say: "Walking in, I walked over to the counter...". Again I suggest changing that. You also said "I would like a 1-bedroom, please" I SAD.
These are all minor errors. Errors I probably have in my new story as well, I just thought I'd point them out to you. Great story though! I can't wait to read more.:)