June 4th, 2013 at 08:19pm
Comment Swap (This may seem really critical, but since it's for the comment swap, I'm assuming you're wanting some helpful feedback, so that's what I hope this to be; I don't want this so sound mean, but it might. Just a warning.)
So I can definitely tell this is just a prologue of sorts so far, because there's not a whole lot going on. It almost seems like Lila is just dragging herself all around the school and sulking the whole time, with some examples of how tough she's got it. I'm hoping that more of a plot will develop in further chapters, because at this point it's a tad dull.
As for grammar and word-layout, every time a new person speaks, it should start a new paragraph. It gets really jumbled and kind of confusing when you've got this huge block of dialogue between multiple people all in one paragraph.
One thing - and this is just a personal preference, really - is that the teachers' last names don't really make much sense. They're super off the wall and I doubt exist in real life. But again, if that's what you're going for, then don't let me stop you :p
Another thing is your rating. You've got it rated at G, but your characters are cursing left and right, so I think you aught to fix that and make it correct (I'd probably rate this as PG-13, if that helps).
And again, I really don't want this to come out as super harsh, or anything, and I hope it does help with some things.
Good luck on further writing!
The teachers names? There's only two teachers. :o One name, Mr. Handsomeson is me making fun of him - in a sort of way. This is meant to be more of a comedy. It's only an excerpt as an attempt as trying to anyhow. Lol. Yeah the character sulks a lot. And then she can act all like that. It's because of how her character is set up. I have it set up as her being all sad, and she doesn't talk to people much usually but when she does it's usually rude. And the reason for that is because of how people treat and talk to her. So forgive me for my issues, it's a work in progress and I plan to fix whatever is wrong later on when I actually finish it -- if I finish it.