Just Visiting - Comments

First off: I do like the layout, but for long chapters in stories like this I don't like the text being centered that much. I also think that maybe you should use a line between each paragraph to separate them... these are just suggestions, though!

Secondly: Besides a few grammatical and spelling errors here and there, I think that this story has got some potential if you put enough of an effort into it. I look forward to seeing how your characters, and story over all, develops!

Lastly: This gets major bonus points because I love the setting! Stories that are set on a beach just makes me that much more interested haha.

Comment Swap brought me to your story, and I'm very glad that it did. Your descriptions seem very simple at first but they do a great job at painting a picture. The characters are very interesting at the moment, and I am eager to see how the story progresses. :) Great story.

I think the summary is a bit bland, and you shouldn't center your text as it just makes it a little awkward to read. I like your color descriptors, and you paint a good picture. Remember that when you're doing dialogue and end with a comma ("I can't remember the last time I laughed like that,") you don't capitalize the next letter. ("I can't remember the last time I laughed like that," she gasped. As opposed to, "I can't remember the last time I laughed like that," She gasped.)
I especially enjoy your description of beaches. It's pleasant and simple and your conversations are very natural.
Continue writing, you're good at what you do!

Via Comment Swap!

Okay so as I stumbled upon your story I was pretty reluctant to read it but this story is actually pretty good. I love your writing style and how you can easily make the story flow. Also, one thing I'm really stickler on is dialogue and how conversations are held within a story. Your dialogue is absolutely superb. I loved the way how you described the voices that were talking and how the conversations were as if the reader was actually there. Also your description of the surrounding environment is absolutely amazing. I've never really been good at describing surroundings in my stories but you're really good at it. I'm envious! Another thing that I really liked is how you incorporated the military aspect. I can relate to it and it fuels the story. I love the plot and I'm looking forward to seeing more. Keep writing and good job!

Sincerely,
red981456

@ anticlimactic.syn
haha yea in a way, I did use the movie for it! I'm glad you viewed it in that way <3

Can you double space?! That makes me sooooo happy lol! Sorry, I'm anal about MLA and stuff. I really hope you continue to read! I'm adding two more chpts tonight!

The beginning of this actually kind of reminded me of The Little Mermaid, that thought alone made me smile. The way Arianna described her father kind of reminded me of King Triton, and Arianna herself slightly reminds me of Ariel. Plus the whole introduction plus the layout's picture deal with the sea. Did you do that on purpose? ;)

The only thing I did notice, error wise was that every paragraph needs to be double spaced. That's the way Mibba wants us to post, I think because it's supposed to be easier to read and overall more professional.