Those Magical Words... - Comments

I’m here as the new host for ‘Just Another Contest’.

What a sweet one-shot! I really enjoyed how much emotion you put into this because I could feel her nervousness about what he was doing, sitting there and waiting for him to come back. You really captured a lot of love in how he proposed, too. I could tell that he really loved her a lot in the way he declared it and his eagerness after she said yes. It was all very sweet!

But to be completely honest with you, I don’t understand the last line? It almost seems like it’s meant to be heartbreaking and to shatter this romantic and loving scene to pieces, but I didn’t get it. If it wasn’t meant to be ominous at all, then I’m not sure what you were aiming for. Perhaps you worded something wrong? Or maybe you should have been more clear in what you intended if it was meant to contradict the softness of the rest of the story? I’m not sure, I just wish I wasn’t so confused.

Other than that, I thought this was a really cute and heartwarming story so good job!

@ megurine luka
Thanks for the comment and contrastive criticism. I have made some changes to the story and edited some parts.

Hey! I’m sorry that it took so long for me to comment on your story But don’t worry! I’m here to give my most honest critique about it

I wait from my living room sofa, fidgeting with the edge of my dress. I had just gone out for dinner with my boyfriend and I was waiting anxiously for him to return from the bathroom restroom.

I changed “bathroom” to “restroom” because you use bathroom when you’re in a house. There’s a bath (I meant showers and bathtubs) in your house whereas public areas don’t. That’s why you should use “restroom” when you’re in public and “bathroom” when you’re in a house.

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He wiped some sweat from his brow nervously.

But what was there to be nervous about?

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He didn’t response respond, and avoided my eye contact.

Remove the comma. “Response” means answer or reply but it’s a noun. “Respond” is a verb which also means the same as “response” only that it’s more of actions.

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He turned to faced me, and knelt down on one knee.

Remove the comma.

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Overall:
It lacks description. The sentences are short and you didn’t elaborate on details. So far, the only detail I saw was the description of the engagement ring. You also switched tenses in the middle of the story. You went from present tense (an example is the word “fidgeting” and “wait” in the first part of your story) to past tense (an example is the word “wiped” and “turned”). When you write a story, you should stick to one perspective and one tense (past, present and future tense). Furthermore, I think you should group your sentences into a paragraph. A paragraph has to be long enough to reach its end (dailywritingtips.com). It looks very choppy thus, it doesn’t flow well. Overall, it has a good concept but it needs more proofreading and details. But all of these are easily fixable so don’t worry! Practice makes perfect

Helpful Links:
Parts of Speech: Verbs
Developing a Setting
Finding a Balance in Description

@ fascination.
Thank you for reading/commenting/

Oh, I didn't see that, thanks for pointing it out. :)

Thanks.

your layout is absolutely gorgeous.

"...I was waiting anxiety for him to return from the bathroom."
I think you mean anxiously.

I really like how this is just a cute little one shot and I definitely enjoyed it. The only thing I didn't like was the choppiness of it. Having a new paragraph for every sentence is a bit weird when it's happening in every single sentence. Personally, I think you should combine some of the sentences so they flow more properly. Otherwise, I think your description words are great and the story s very cute; good job :).

@ lina.
Thank you for your comment and constructive criticism.

@ ebony_goddess
Thank you!

This is soo cute :)

When I signed onto this contest, I didn't know what to expect from the entries, but so far I love them. This was so sweet and simple. I didn't feel the impact of her deafness until the end. I would have liked to see more about it, not a history or anything, but at least subtle hints or comments that made obvious. That aside, the ending was perfect and did have a big impact. It wasn't showy and the overall feeling is great. Plus, I love the name Penelope. Phenomenal job, and good luck in the contest!