I’m here as the new judge for the ‘Song Fic Contest’.
So Johnny Depp and Alex Gaskarth is definitely a unique pairing. Before this story, I had never even heard of it nor would I have ever thought of it so you definitely had that going for you.
However, this story is… a mess.
For one, you basically gave me a wall of text. You didn’t break any of your paragraphs apart and all your dialogue was mashed together so I had no idea who was talking half the time. It was confusing and very disorientating for me as a reader. I couldn’t differentiate between Johnny and Alex at all. You really need to break your paragraphs and dialogue with line breaks.
Secondly, there wasn’t any detail at all. And I’m not talking about the smut scene. I don’t actually care about the smut, even though it was clearly the focus of this fic. You could have written about Johnny and Alex’s relationship before you immediately threw them in bed together, though. You clearly wanted the readers to see this loving and sweet relationship with the beginning, and I would have liked to have seen that in more depth so that I actually felt like there was a connection between them. It could have been two strangers having sex and I would never have known the difference, honestly. It really felt like there wasn’t even much of a point to the beginning or even the ending because there wasn’t any real sentiment to it. I didn’t really feel any chemistry between the two because you didn’t detail their relationship whatsoever. The ending scene should have made me say ‘aw’ but it felt really hollow and it lacked any romance for me. And the overabundance of exclamation points definitely was distracting. You could have instead detailed their tones and voices instead of adding a huge amount of exclamation points. It didn’t actually have the effect you wanted it to.
So this was… definitely a unique pairing with a cute idea hiding beneath that I got a very brief glimpse at in the beginning, but I think you lost it in your excitement to write the smut part. It could use a little work.
So Johnny Depp and Alex Gaskarth is definitely a unique pairing. Before this story, I had never even heard of it nor would I have ever thought of it so you definitely had that going for you.
However, this story is… a mess.
For one, you basically gave me a wall of text. You didn’t break any of your paragraphs apart and all your dialogue was mashed together so I had no idea who was talking half the time. It was confusing and very disorientating for me as a reader. I couldn’t differentiate between Johnny and Alex at all. You really need to break your paragraphs and dialogue with line breaks.
Secondly, there wasn’t any detail at all. And I’m not talking about the smut scene. I don’t actually care about the smut, even though it was clearly the focus of this fic. You could have written about Johnny and Alex’s relationship before you immediately threw them in bed together, though. You clearly wanted the readers to see this loving and sweet relationship with the beginning, and I would have liked to have seen that in more depth so that I actually felt like there was a connection between them. It could have been two strangers having sex and I would never have known the difference, honestly. It really felt like there wasn’t even much of a point to the beginning or even the ending because there wasn’t any real sentiment to it. I didn’t really feel any chemistry between the two because you didn’t detail their relationship whatsoever. The ending scene should have made me say ‘aw’ but it felt really hollow and it lacked any romance for me. And the overabundance of exclamation points definitely was distracting. You could have instead detailed their tones and voices instead of adding a huge amount of exclamation points. It didn’t actually have the effect you wanted it to.
So this was… definitely a unique pairing with a cute idea hiding beneath that I got a very brief glimpse at in the beginning, but I think you lost it in your excitement to write the smut part. It could use a little work.