Fragile Hearts - Comments

The was a calm in my voice that makes us both tranquil to sit there and enjoy each other and revel in the atmosphere of the room. (I think that should be There*)

I feel as if I were a fly on the wall of their home. After reading this I feel as if I understand these two and their relationship better than I understand my own, and that in itself is incredible. The way you describe her insecurities and show us how every single day is a struggle for her is very realistic. I cannot tell you how many stories I have read where the girl has this insecurity and the guy comes in and magically makes it go away. Thank you for creating someone real.

I'm a size thirteen, so I can relate to feeling extremely overweight, when in all reality I'm average sized. I mean I could stand to get up off the couch every now and then, but I am a mother, so I embrace the extra fat in my thighs and arms. I feel like the go along with my stretch marks; battle scars and all that. It's not everyday I feel beautiful and it is a struggle for my fiance to make me feel that way, we go through the ropes almost daily. This story, this relationship, it's real to me- and that is awesome.

Okay, first of all, I love that this is written from David's point of view. Stories like this are usually written from the girl's perspective and this was a nice change of pace. Plus, I think there are loads of things that you can do with that.

"the weight of our hearts beating as we share a kiss in the morning shower was nothing more than fragile."

That line just killed me. It was just so pretty and perfect and explained everything in just one sentence. It's like one of those quotable things from a Nicholas Sparks book.

I love the way you describe her and his feelings towards her. It's the perfect example of showing versus telling. Instead of telling the reader "Oh, she's insecure, but he loves her anyway." You used details and moments of their past together to show that and it really brings readers into the story better than if you would have just said x,y, and z.

Okay, the blowjob scene made me cringe, just because it's so true! I really loved it. I feel like its so just everything real life is. It was awkward and uncomfortable, but so cute and sweet at the same time. I felt embarrassed for her because it's a problem I have, but he makes up for it by being so sweet to her afterwards. That's how I imagine the perfect time being. Not perfect in the sense that she is perfect at it, but perfect in the sense that the moment is just perfect in its own way. Omg, I'm rambling, but okay.

They're relationship just seems so real because it's not perfect and she's not perfect and everything isn't always 100% okay, but they work together and I think that's really what relationships are all about.

I'd really like to see her insecurities continue to be a part of the story in the upcoming chapters. That's really my biggest piece of advice right now, because I love the way she is right now and the person that she is, and I'd really hope she continues to stay true to that, because I see a lot of stories that have the female lead become this confident person in what seems like no time at all. I definitely wouldn't mind seeing her grow or change as long as it has a nice flow to it, but that's the only thing I think you should look out for in upcoming chapters right now!

Your fun fact wasn't very fun though ): It was just sad!

Okay, so I told you I read this earlier and now I have the proper time to comment on it.

I think the summary is very lovely and sets up his love for her extremely well. I also like how it characterises her. I got a great feel for her already just from your description. I also like that the title appears in the summary. It's nice to see that connection right off the bat. The layout is very simple and clean. I would suggest adjusting the line height of the chapter title though, as it overlaps the text in the first sentence right now.

If only she could she see I love her.

I noticed this in the first line of the summary. The second she shouldn't be there.

I like her characterisation a lot. I think you've done a great job building up her insecurities and her need for assurance. The little details, like the milk in her tea, made her three dimensional and I like that you hint at an in-depth backstory for her that explains why she is this way with him without revealing it all right now. I'm looking forward to how you'll develop her over the course of the story. It's also great that you made her inexperienced and she feels inadequate for not pleasuring him fully her first time. Usually, virgins in stories are so instinctually great at sex so it was refreshing and realistic to see her be awkward and choking while giving her first blowjob.

His character isn't as developed as hers right now, but since it's first person, I expect that. I got an amazing sense of his feelings for her though. I love the way he describes the way she makes him feel and all the things he loves about her. I can tell he's patient and romantic right now and I'm curious as to what other sort of qualities he has.

She continued singing as she slipped on each pair of shoe…

I didn't think this line made sense. It would read better just being she slipped on each shoe or she slipped on her pair of shoes but not each pair of shoe, as a shoe by itself isn't a pair.

As for criticisms, there's some tense changing in this story. It's sometimes in present tense and sometimes in past tense, not to mention the summary being in future tense, and I really feel it would read better to stick either strictly to present or past in the actual chapters. It starts in past tense, the next two paragraphs are present, and it goes back to past, slipping here and there sometimes. I get that you kept the paragraphs about what he loves/doesn't love about her in present to emphasis this is current. He is in love with her and all these things about her now and hates all these things that hold her back, but if you put it in past tense, I don't think it would lose that sense of him loving her at all.

Also, without you mentioning it to me beforehand, I never would've known this is about David Tennant, especially since your image link of him doesn't work in the summary. Clearly there's a lot more to come in this story so I'm sure you'll make that known, but if you wanted to slip it in, I think having her call him David (no surname) once in this chapter would work well.

Overall, you have a very interesting start here. Like I said to you before, it's a great mix of saucy and sweet. It's mostly sweet, but I like the inclusion of their sex life and how it's written very tastefully. It's not smut, it's showing their intimacy and passion. It focused more on the emotions than the sex and I liked that a lot. It really builds on their relationship.

I think you're going to have a really great story because there's so much room for character development and for their relationship to grow. Something actually pretty cool is that I think the first chapter could stand alone as a one-shot even and I like the style of that. I hope the entire story is like this. I'm definitely going to be keeping up with this as you complete the challenge!