Please update soon!
October 17th, 2013 at 11:41pm
In chapter one I felt that there were a few sentences that needed a comma put in, like this - I knew from the red auburn hair it was my girl I just wished so much it wasn't her. - for example. There should be a comma between "my girl" and "I just wished" unless you want to add a full stop. Either one would work. But I'd suggest going over the chapters and spotting the other sentences like that because there were a few.
"Holding her hand in mines I kissed" - there should be no 's' on the end. (chapter 1)
In chapter three the opening paragraph has this line - If god was punishing me for something he seriously was doing a fucking good job of it, the feeling of such relief as I find out my girlfriend is alive after what just happened mixed with guilt that I couldn't protect her like I had promised and now this... - and to me it doesn't read entire coherent. I feel like a comma should be put between "something" and "he" and a full stop put after the "it" and before the "the feeling." Then the sentence that starts with "the feeling" I feel needs revising because I don't understand what you're trying to say with it. It doesn't make sense.
"she was young she wasn't aloud a dog" - should be allowed. (chapter 3)
"she looses her balance and " - should be loses. (chapter 3)
Also in that chapter I spotted that you put a full stop after some speech but also include a tag on the end. With speech, you have to replace the full stop with a comma if you add a speech tag at the end of it but keep the full stop if you don't.
"A rather huge closet was paced" - should be placed. (chapter 4)
"before I looked myself in the mirror." - there should be an "at" between "looked" and "myself" otherwise it doesn't quite make sense. (chapter 4)
"I could hear some music playing fro, ta radio somewhere in the house" - should be "from the". (chapter 4)
Also in chapter four you have speech that has no punctuation at the end of it, like this for example - “Good morning Matt” I said - when it should be a comma followed "Matt" because there's a tag after the speech.
"I got a killingly headache when" - I think you were supposed to go for "killing headache" here, right? (chapter 4)
" I asked silently, almost" - the contradiction doesn't work because silent means no noise and therefore she could not have asked, so something like "quietly" would fit better. (chapter 6)
"their girlfriends and wife’s" - should be "wives" because it's plural. (chapter 6)
And in chapter five you have this line - he hadn't settled down or taken on this kind of responsibility. - about Brian but then he's got a wife in chapter six so it's not consistent. You also have - Well none of the guys did - following the previous line but then have them all with girlfriends and/or wives in chapter six which is another inconsistency.
This was slightly heartbreaking with the fact that the day he was going to propose she went and got into an accident which, unfortunately, resulted in her getting amnesia. I did think that Matt's reaction as soon as he found out about the accident was a bit false – what, with him going to the guy and being all aggressive before even thinking about trying to see how Brandi is. If he cared as much as he said he did (something which is confirmed with his reaction when he saw her, something which I did think was brilliantly done because I always love when a man cries over someone he loves) then I think he would have cared more for her and making sure that she was fine than he would have done with the guy. I mean, sure, after she was taken to the hospital I could have seen him going to the guy and being all aggressive, but not before knowing her status.
Also in regards to chapter two, from my personal opinion as a reader, I felt that it would have been better if it had started from the time she'd woken up in the hospital. It featured her in his arms and knowing who he was but honestly, I felt like it would have had more impact if right from the start she had no memory of him.
The sentence structure in this does vary a lot, but you do have many that need breaking up and don't flow too well. If you have trouble making them flow nicely, may I suggest a beta? You could even ask a site beta that's found in the forums. I feel that if the flow was better in regards to the structure, then getting into this story wouldn't have been as hard as it was for me.
