Tell Peter Pan I'm a Liar - Comments

Usually I find the whole "main character has some horribly traumatic past and cuts" to be overused and bothersome, but you portrayed it in a way that seemed actually realistic. So now this story has intrigued me, I hope you update because there is something about how this is written that seems fresh and not like the other cliche' stories out their.

I can't believe I only just read this, babe! It's soooo good! I really want to beg you to please consider continuing this... *puppy eyes* I really love this! Xx.
P.S. I looooved this: He reached up to run his hand down Jade's back, and winked at me.!!!!

@LucyLove message me then! haha

@ jaseyraelover
Dude, that'd be so sweet!

@LucyLove I could make one for you or teach you how, there are even tutorials on here that are super helpful :)

@ jaseyraelover
Haha well, I would, but I really don't know how!Xp haha so no

@LucyLove Oh, and are you planning on doing a layout or no? haha :)

@ jaseyraelover
Lol, sounds like a compliment, I'll take it! Haha thank you(:

Except for the choppiness and rushed feeling you get when you read it and the somewhat lack of details , it's an awesome story :)

Awesome updates! Please continue.

I think you have a great idea for your story and it seems like something a lot of people would be interested in, even though it has a lot of triggers! One thing I noticed though is that your writing comes off as being somewhat choppy and it made it hard to really get into. The sentences are really short and it reads sort of funny to me at some points. I think if you worked on varying your sentence structure and added more detail, then it would make for a more elegant read. Also, it seems like you overuse dialogue a lot, so I really think you could benefit from investing some time into adding more description and making the story feel less rushed. Good luck with your writing!

@ KWarhol
Thanks for your help! My paragraphs are pretty short, lol, like, I wouldn't really call the paragraphs. But that's because I feel pretty messy if I have long ones. And no, it wasn't a dream. I understand why you thought that, though. I was worried people might think that from the first chapter. Really, it's supposed to be like, flashback/nightmare she has

Comment swap sent me! I only read the two first chapters, honestly, because the story is not really for me, personally.

the idea behind it seems to be really good, it's interesting too, I just think that with the way you write it a lot of valuable content gets lost. Perhaps, if you tried writing longer paragraphs with more detail in them, one could get more into the story. Like this it seems really rush. I liked it at first. it was fitting for the starts when she explained what she was doing, but at least when she was in his house and he pulled out the blade you could have started giving more detail, kind of...create some tension that would slowly lead the reader to the following events.

Comment swap sent me! I only read the two first chapters, honestly, because the story is not really for me, personally.

the idea behind it seems to be really good, it's interesting too, I just think that with the way you write it a lot of valuable content gets lost. Perhaps, if you tried writing longer paragraphs with more detail in them, one could get more into the story. Like this it seems really rush. I liked it at first. it was fitting for the starts when she explained what she was doing, but at least when she was in his house and he pulled out the blade you could have started giving more detail, kind of...create some tension that would slowly lead the reader to the following events.

*COMMENT SWAP*

It's nice that you have a warning for all the "violence" and other difficult things that are in your story, but never apologize for you writing. It's yours, you created it. Don't apologize for art and creativity.

I like how you allude to some father-issues with the burning of the blouse. I agree with Dahlia Belladonna when she says to make your paragraphs longer. They don't have to be super long, but close to 3-5 sentences.

The way you write the main character makes me think we're very much inside her head. It feels like I'm reading her thoughts at the same time she has the thought; it's interesting.

Was that whole scene with the knife and the forced sex a dream? If so, it's has some psychological elements to it that could be linked to your main character's daddy issues.

Comment swap!
You write very well. I just wished I could see a few longer paragraphs rather than one lined ones. It would make the story seem less choppy and have really nice flow to it since you're good at explaining things. Other than that, I like where the story is headed, keep up the good work.

@ raAwwrrosaurs
Lol, you're totally right! Haha awkward on my part.. Anyway, I was thinking, like, how a little flower would spout up? Sorry! Xp And your def not annoying, I'm totally for constructive criticism(:

but otherwise: love it!

but otherwise: love it!

not to be that annoying person but isn't the word spouting a little excessive (when Lance touches Bella). I mean, this is spouting: http://www.masterfile.com/stock-photography/image/700-00458399/Fire%20Hydrant%20in%20Desert%20Spouting%20Water