Atonement - Comments

The story is interesting in some ways, and that's great, it's got its own tone and voice, but its a bit lacking in others. The story seems to be a bit... scattered would be the best word for this. It doesn't seem to flow, and the russian in chapter three is off. The main character is nice but there isn't much of a connection to the reader, so she seems static. I do like how it starts with action. Great story with a few minor problems. I like.

I feel like I read this forever ago and never commented

Anyways, like all of your other writing, this story is fantastic. Your descriptions are so amazing and your plotline is really unique. I love you incorporated religion into it, it brought a really cool feeling to the entire story. It's really suspenseful too in almost a subtle way, which I think makes it more exciting. And having dialogue in different languages was really interesting to read.

The only thing I would say is sometimes your sentences get really short and it makes everything feel a bit choppy.

I also really want to know how it ends

Good job as always!

Wow, I've never been so amazed by a story. I'm not one for thrillers and when religion gets involved in stories, I generally tend to drift away. But this story is breathtaking. I had read the first chapter before I went to work and it was all that I could think about for the rest of the day. It's hard to come by stories that have little dialogue and can still keep readers interested and you have certainly managed to pull it off. The use imagery is fantastic and the details to the surroundings are brilliant. Personally, I love the memories that Maria has. I really need to know how this story ends!

The first thought that crossed my mind as I finished the first chapter was holy shit. That was intense and brutal and beautiful. There are so many questions though! Just why is she killing these men? Who exactly is pulling her strings?

I've been torn about the dialogue in the first chapter. Part of me wishes it were in English, but I think it adds a certain something to the story that it's not.

I wish there was more to this as I would love to know how it ends. Do the FBI catch her? Does she have a tragic end? What happened with her family?

There was something that I read though and I thought I'd say something about (I almost forgot) - the part where a bullet grazes her cheek and apparently one somehow gets in the barrel of her own gun? That part was a bit confusing to me. If a bullet was somehow fired directly into the barrel of her gun and met her own bullet that was being fired I'm pretty sure that would cause an explosion, but I'm no gun expert so... I don't know.

Overall I think this story is fantastic. There were a few issues with tense, mainly where I caught it was in the flashback to the cottage with her mama. Your details are all wonderful. Seriously, why did you never finish this?

So I’m finally getting around to giving you the review you asked for from my giveaway blog! I’m terribly sorry for the delay!

Though I was really only going to review a single chapter, because the first chapter of this story is on the shorter side, I’m gonna go ahead and review the second chapter as well

As far as first impressions go, I really appreciate the simplicity of your layout because it’s not distracting as I’m reading and it really gives that mesmerizing banner a chance to shine Also, while I am totally digging the verse used as your summary, I will admit that I would’ve liked to have seen a little bit more, if only so I’d feel like I’d have a better grasp on the story. As of right now, I don’t really have any idea as to what I’m getting into, possibly something apocalyptic?

Moving on to the opening chapter, I really, really, really adored how completely in-the-moment this chapter felt. I thought you did a flat-out brilliant job painting the scene, and I actually really envy the fact that you were able to remain so concise with your imagery. I also felt like you did an amazing job of revealing just enough information about the main character for me to become invested in her and feel like I got a bit of a grasp on who she is, but at the same time, she’s still shrouded in enough mystery that makes me ache to know more about her and continue reading.

The only suggestion I really have to offer as far as any constructive criticism is concerned for this chapter would be that I noticed some instances where the flow was a little off because there were some awkward stops.

Just a couple of examples of this that I noticed on a quick skim back through:

She considered herself as a sinner. No better than the man that she was going to kill tonight. And the reason for that was her eye. – I feel like this would flow a lot more naturally if you joined these with commas instead of coming to a full-stop. If you still want that pause for dramatic effect, I’d suggest only doing it with the “and the reason for that was her eye” part.

From a bird's eye view, the New York skyline was a sight to behold. Lights seemed to dance when you passed by them. But as colorful the lights of New York were, the people who lived there were just as diverse. – I felt similarly about this opening bit: the full-stops make it read a little awkwardly. I’m not suggesting that you necessarily just join all these phrases together like with the prior example, but I feel like there’s probably a better way to bridge these fragments together, particularly the second and last sentence.

I did also notice a few comma errors:

Different scenes thrived in this city and one of the most prominent ones was the drug scene. – You need a comma before “and” here.

A cold gust of wind gently blew and even though she was wearing a black suit, she didn't seem to mind it. - The same comma rule applies with this sentence.

It was a blessing for she was chosen to deliver justice but it was a curse for she had to deliver a soul to God – You need a comma before “but” here.

After all; she was used to this already. – You need a comma instead of a semi-colon here.

Overall, I felt like this was an incredibly powerful opening chapter, and I can’t wait to read more!

I definitely love the progression that took place within the next chapter, and I completely adore the rich sense of superstition and legend you’ve managed to incorporate so brilliantly into this next chapter. I almost feel as if Maria’s getting this super-hero/vigilante origin and backstory, and I LOVE IT I felt like you did a superb job of slowly peeling back those layers of who this character is, what her backstory is, and her motivations for doing what she does. I definitely thought the concept of this badass nun-assassin with a priest boss who does the Lord’s bidding was beyond intriguing, and your interaction between Maria and the Father basically had me on the edge of my seat.

As far as concrit goes for this chapter, I didn’t really notice much, pretty much the same things I noted in the last chapter with some awkward stops and some places where the flow was a little off, but other than that, I don’t really have any major suggestions.

Just one nit-picky grammar thing I noticed:

At first, the FBI thought that it was a hired assasin but as they investegated further, they saw the connection between the string of murders… You need a comma before “but” here, and “investigated” is misspelled.

Overall, I felt like you really kept the ball rolling with this second chapter, and I’ll definitely continue reading to see where this goes

Oh my God! This is awesome!

Again, you set the mood magnificently in the first chapter. Part of me doesn't know what to expect, but deep down I'm kind of nervous when you talk about people acting like gods. Reading that final "Amen" was like a blow to the head. SO BADASS. I praise you as a writer for that first chapter. You never fail to keep the reader's attention! I love how you describe the door hinges as groaning along with all your other wonderful descriptions. This is the first time I've ever read a story with this type of plot so it's very refreshing and new to me. I love it so much. I also find the fact that her eye is different from the other incredibly amazing. I wish I could see it in real life.

I just think this has so much potential and I'm sure you're going to do an awesome job with it. Keep up the amazing work, girl! I'll be recommending both this and 1941 so more people can see them!

Let me start off by saying I'm not usually into stories like these. Or, well, it's difficult for me to get into them. That being said, I'm so glad you recommended it because if you hadn't, I probably wouldn't have gone beyond the first chapter and enjoyed it so much.

I think this is super interesting. Rather than hatred or revenge or whatever fueling what Maria is doing, it's religion. Like they actually believe that, by killing these guys, they're doing right by God. As for the dream in chapter three... what the hell? How does somebody survive that? Holy shit. That's crazy. I also quite liked the flashback she had with her mother and father. I like the last three paragraphs from chapter four too. (Although the only thing I could think of was, "We're not in Kansas anymore," ) I like how it was basically how she had family and love before, but now she doesn't.

Wow, that was long. Sorry. But you're doing a great job with this!

Okay, so. I have to admit I'm a little bit biased because I really like Russia for some reason so the fact that Maria is Russian (or I guess was, since it seems like she had to put all of that away) is really cool. And also I love the bit about the crow, even though they kind of freak me out in terms of how they're described in stories, because I feel like it's going to come back to haunt Maria later. AND ALSO WHAT WHAT WHAT IS THIS WHAT SHE GETS SHOT BUT SHE'S STILL ALIVE? How does that work? I am dying to figure out more.

And it's so interesting how she gets her new 'jobs' from the Father, and how their motive is religion. Like a lot of times characters seem to lack some sort of motivation, but I like how clear it is here. It's like the whole purpose of the story. But you already knew that hahaha. Recc'd and subbed! <3

OH, HEY. You should have seen my face when I realized this was a continuation of Ava Maria. I was so excited because I felt it worked as a one shot, but I was really interested to see how you took it as a chaptered story.

You did it really well. I practically ate this story up. I don't know what else to say besides the fact that your writing style is flawless.

It's really interesting to see how you take religion and twist it into such a creative plot. You wouldn't expect for this type of thing to be happening and I really like how you're taking this approach.

It only took a few lines of your first chapter for me to know that I love this.

Oh how interesting! This concept is super original!! The Bible verse in the summary definitely made me want to read on and I'm glad I did! I was on edge for chapter three! I can see why this is your prize! I can tell you put a lot into it! You're a great writer! I'll rec this story for sure!

Holy hell this is good. Do you know what the first chapter reminds me of? It reminds me of this badass Tom Cruise movie that came out not that long ago. Jack Reacher. In the first scene it's of this guy sniping random people. It's a really so good, so basically just like this. I really enjoy this though truthfully. I mean... It's got that eerie feel to it because you know these people are completely off their rockers if they think that this is the grace or will of God. The thought and effort that you've put into this story is very apparent and I appreciate it greatly. This story could go so right or so wrong and I don't see it going anywhere but right. I love the small details you put in about the Latin engraving on the bullets, and how she prays before she does this stuff and she and the Father of the church act like this is acceptable. Man, it's just so crazy good. I'm so glad you suggested this to me in my free reads blog. It's blown me away. I love it. ❤

Oooh, you've continued the story! Onto the second chapter!

This is so interesting, and like I said before, I wasn't expecting to be this interested in a story like this. It reminds me a little of The Davinchi Code (which I didn't follow too closely on), with the relgious connections and whatnot. I found it so interesting that Maria was actually a Sister, and that instead of coming to church to confess her sins, her priest was her boss, in a way. Oh God, chapter three I was so intrigued, thinking that Maria was being chased until I came to the point where Maria was dreaming and I had the biggest sigh of relief. I wasn't prepared for Maria to be dead yet, or in harm's way.

WAIT A MINUTE.

It's a memory? Holy crap. Okay, I'm on edge again. I was not expecting that.

I loved the way you ended it, although I think you should keep it in past tense, instead of it being present. Otherwise, I really liked reading this and I'll definitely be subbing and reccing. Thank you for exposing me to something so different!

I find it ironic that I'd just come from church and now I'm reading this. It sets a good mood for the rest of my day.
I like that you made Maria a killer but she was sent to do what Father had told her to. I like that her name the FBI had given her was Crow. Your writing style is amazing. And I love how well you describe everything. Honestly I would read whatever comes next in this story. Its just great all around.

In the second chapter, the thing that I said about Ave Maria got better, but there was still one place that I noticed you had the short sentences. It was the paragraph that starts "She suddenly stopped in front of a church, feeling that someone..." In that paragraph, there were the "It was..." etc. sentences again. I'm not sure if I'm making sense when I say short sentences or not, but if I'm not, you can just ask! I think it's the difference between your sentences like "She had expected something a more religious-sounding name." and then "Maria walked in and then slowly closed them, the sound of the door's hinges groaning as she did so." When you read the second sentence, it sort of just flows better because it's longer and there's more going on with it. When there's longer sentences like that and less breaks, it just reads easier. That is really the only thing I noticed though! Great job

This is really, really good. It reads perfectly in my mind, and all the words come together to form a graphic novel in my head. I like that the protagonist, Maria, is still a mystery. I don't know why she is doing her job or how she came to work for the Father. I like that. It makes me want to know more about her. She's a assassin, sent to deliver the wicked to God, yet she is a killer herself. She is obviously conflicted about this. (Which I like). I think that this story is going to be really great! The only grammar that I saw was in the second chapter where it says "She had expected something a more religious sounding name". I think that you should just write, "She had expected a more religious sounding name", but that is just a suggestion. You have a great plot, great writing style, and a really great story going here.