I'm the Option You Shouldn't Have Chosen - Comments

I'm here as a judge for the NC-17 Only contest.

I thought this as an interesting concept; it definitely felt like it had the potential to be a chaptered story in order to dive deeper into Oli and Josh's relationship, especially with the way you ended it. It would be interesting to see how their relationship would end up evolving, since I felt like we didn't really get that much information about their personalities and themselves as characters in this one-shot. I would have liked if you added more description and dimension to the story in general, especially around the emotions that I wanted to be able to feel from the story but just didn't quite get, because it all felt a bit shallow and like you were just skimming the surface of what you could have added.

I liked the fact that Josh being bisexual was just a casual part of the story, but it seemed odd for him to be like "well, done with girls, let's move onto a guy now". It would have made sense for him to be at least a bit nervous or something, since he said he had never been with a man before. It also felt a bit odd that Oli just went along with things, even though he clearly felt uncomfortable with the situation. Considering him and Josh had just met, it felt weird for Oli to have those doubts, and somehow Josh had managed to convince him that everything is okay.

Thanks for entering!

@ isak valtersen
All I've got to say is that this is an old, old story that I was sadly proud of at one point. It'll be literally four years on the 16th since this story came to be... so yeah. Hah. I don't mind the critique that you gave, I just wanted to mention how much time has passed since then and how much my writing has had to evolve from these little mishaps.

I’m here as the new host for ‘Lyric Contest’.

I’ll admit straight up that I didn’t like Josh from the very beginning. I’m not a big fan of men that use people for their own pleasure, and with the way he approached Oliver, I was really put off. Oliver seemed like such a sweetheart. It definitely showed in that insecure moment when they got back to his apartment because I think there’s a lot of reasons as to why Oliver felt the way he did. Because of that, I didn’t particularly like that he slept with Josh honestly because I feel like it would be emotionally damaging for Oliver? I did like how casual you treated Josh’s bisexuality, though. It wasn’t a big deal whatsoever and Dan didn’t give him any crap for it and even shared that he had experience with it, which I really appreciated because I wish sexuality was treated that casually all the time.

But in all honesty, I had a few problems with this piece that made it very hard for me to really enjoy it.

Continuing on from the sexuality thing, I feel like it would have been much more realistic for Josh to have at least felt nervous. Even if he didn’t show it entirely in his actions, it should have been on his mind—especially with Oliver being his first “boy experience”—whether he was some kind of sex expert or not. Josh was way too confident and sure of what he was doing the entire time with not an ounce of hesitancy or insecurity. That didn’t feel believable at all to me honestly. Even if Josh had long ago accepted his sexuality, it is different from being with women (which I also think should have been acknowledged, especially in the sex scene) and I feel like it would benefit the story more if you wrote about Josh past the whole ‘fuckboy’ thing.

In fact, I feel like this story, in general, could have used a lot more depth to it. I could tell that the main focus of this story was the smut, but I feel like you could have flourished this story with more emotions and detail. Your sentences were very blunt and short, which is fine, but it made the overall story feel very rushed. You told me more than you showed me, and there weren’t any emotions to anything other than Josh’s obnoxious arrogance and Oliver’s split moment of insecurity. You also are clearly implying that a relationship (whether permanent or temporary) develops between them after this night because they have some kind of natural connection. I didn’t personally see it and I wish I would have so I could be happy that Oliver may or may not be “anchoring” Josh down.

So I definitely think this could use some more, but I liked the idea you had. I think this would make a nice chaptered story if you ever wanted to continue writing about Oliver and Josh’s relationship.

@ AndThenSheBled
Awesome, but yeah, I'm used to reading something and picking off of that. This, I just really went at it on my own. It's something I haven't written in forever.

i think its great:) when i first started writing fanfiction i used to write it like a script and i sucked at writing in general and my smutt was not good at all!! the more you right it the better you get. and using other smutt to help you helps as well. I'd just read a bunch of that and then take me own ideas to get better :) oh im about to update:)

@ AndThenSheBled
Uh oh, looks like I'm in trouble XD Hopefully it'll be as good as this... I don't know. I still don't think I'm that fabulous at it.

i think your smutt was pretty good:) now you cant get out ;of writing at least one scene in our story;} i know your potential:D i liked this

@ EmptySighsAndWine
You're very welcome c:

@ brileigh
Well thank you very much. It's a lot better than I thought it would be.

I really enjoyed this. Even if it doesn't win the contest, it's a winner in my book.

@ SleeplessSymphony
Thank you very much. I tried my best.

This was really cute and sexy :3 good job!!