June 30th, 2017 at 12:30am
Chapter one: Okay well first of all, I am interested in your choice in genre. Not to many people go with historical fiction. It’s a hard genre to pull off, but as long as you do good research, you’ll be fine.
In the first sentence, change has to had. You say that the year was 1941. Using the word was suggest past tense. Has suggests present tense. The third sentence of the first paragraph just seems kind of long to me, but maybe I’m being knit-picky. In paragraph two, you start a sentence with the word “but”. You’re not supposed to do that. Also, what is your characters native language? Is it German? It’s hard to tell since I can’t figure what his nationality is. I’m assuming German from the summary, but maybe this should be explained in the story. Also, if he is German, shouldn’t his thoughts be German (with the translation at the bottom) instead of in English? Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems to make sense to me. Also, who do you know Russian? Are you fluent in it? It’s okay if you’re not, but if you aren’t, be careful with which online translators you’re using. I don’t know if you speak Russian or not, but I’m just saying. The first sentence in the last paragraph also seems a tad too long.
Chapter two: Okay, I’ve already noticed something. The chapter names are all in Russian, yet you fail to explain the English translation of them anywhere in the chapter descriptions or in the author’s notes. You seem to expect the reader to either already know Russian or to go figure that out on their own when it comes to chapter titles, but not when you put Russian in the actual story. Seems kind of, I don’t know, conflicting? I think the meanings of the titles should be explained so the readers can understand. I’m sorry, but this REALLY irks me. Also, what’s a git? Is that German slang? If so, it should be explained. It may not be, though, maybe it’s just a word that I’ve never heard before. If so, I apologize. Also, at the part “what was he going to do now?”, you have it in italics, as if it’s the main character’s thoughts. If this is a thought of his, the word was should be changed to is. Was suggest past tense, so it just seems wrong here. Also, the second to the last sentence ends with the word to. That is a preposition, and you shouldn’t end sentences with those.
Chapter three: I don’t really see anything wrong here, but this chapter has helped me discover something since this author’s note is so long. Your layout makes the font in the author’s note SO tiny. It’s so hard to read. The words are so itty bitty. At least in the first few chapters, anyway.
Chapter four: I’m sorry, but I just don’t like the way this chapter started. The first word is “he.” Since this is a new chapter, you should begin this sentence with the name of the character that you are talking about. You have to remember that not all readers read one chapter directly after the next, especially depending on how often you update. Also, sometimes readers take breaks between chapters. So, when they come back to this chapter, they are thrown off by the word “he.” Like, who’s he? Who are they talking about? Does that make any sense? I do like the way you describe the pain in his legs in this chapter. It’s very descriptive. You end paragraph two with “how ironic.” That’s not a complete sentence, technically. There is no subject. Maybe this should be fixed. “In the end, both of them were laughing hard.” I don’t know what it is, but this sentence reads oddly to me, but maybe I am wrong.
I’m sorry, but the fact that you admit that your translations aren’t accurate in the author’s note…I don’t know; it just irks me. I’m sorry. It just seems weird here. Since this is a historical fiction, the only way this story can work is with proper research. Research includes proper translations. I mean, if this was a fanfiction or any other type of fiction, I’d be lenient and I’d let it go. Since this is historical fiction, I don’t know, it just seems to be different. It’s like accuracy is of the utmost importance here as opposed to other types of stories.
Chapter five: This chapter is perfectly fine. :)
Chapter six: I feel like you meant for the first sentence to grab the reader’s attention. Like, “WHOA! A BOMB JUST EXPLODED! OH MY GOSH!” However, this isn’t the reaction the reader really has. Even though the sentence describes something exciting happening, it manages to tell it in a very boring way. Maybe you should describe the sound of it.
Chapter seven: Sentences two and three in paragraph one seem kind of long. Other than that, it’s great.
Another thing I think you should do is add a pronunciation key in the author’s note with the translations. This will help the readers read the story properly, so as not to interrupt the flow. When most readers read it they’re just thinking: “Something Russian/German/Foreign” when they see these words. A pronunciation key helps the reader know what they are reading. It’s not necessary, but I think it would be nice.
In general: is this good? Yes. It’s a very interesting concept and story. Good job. I hope I wasn’t too harsh to you.
Getting on with it, I love the first chapter. It really sets the mood perfectly, and I love the fact that he hast to check himself to make sure he's not dead. While it sounds pretty weird because you'd obviously think you're alive when you're breathing and thinking, I think it's what everyone would do because they want to make sure they're alright. Cue Google Translate to the rescue! (Lmao I almost wrote "German Translate" 
To be honest, I don’t read war fiction often—or really, at all. It’s never really been my kind of genre/subject. However, I know how to appreciate good writing when I see it. Your writing is very thorough and detailed, very fluid and immersing. You set that ominous and melancholic vibe that comes with war for the story right out of the gate, and you introduced August to me very well. I actually kind of laughed a little when he was checking to see if he was dead because it seemed ridiculous, but it was also reasonable. In that beginning moment, you connected me to August.
August himself is a very realistic character with a lot of bottled up emotions and it shows in all of his actions. In that entire scene where he’s running away and conflicted with his guilt about it makes him relatable because his reaction to being shot at wasn’t outrageous at all—it was natural and human, but that guilt was also very human because he has an obligation, a responsibility, and he feels like he was being a coward. And that entire moment where August thought about home was so bittersweet because I felt the longing and the nostalgia for his mother and his sister, just anything that he considered ‘home’, but I also immediately felt that hopelessness in him. It made it heartbreaking and painful. Then the scene with Lukas, and god. It made me not only pity August, but mourn all his losses with him because he’s just a kid. He’s so excruciatingly human in such an awful situation, and my heart goes out to him.
Although it was mildly confusing for me whilst I was reading (since I only speak conversational Spanish and Norwegian, hah), I did appreciate that the dialogue was in the proper languages. I have no problem with the narrative being in English, despite the character actually being German. As I said, it did get a little bit confusing because you were doing it in full conversations rather than a line here and there, but I appreciated the touch. It made it more realistic.
So overall, I think this is a fantastic story with a lot of emotional depth and meaning so great job!