August 19th, 2013 at 11:26pm
At first, I thought Jayin was a girl and then I saw the pronoun ‘he’.
Finally, the microwave came to 00:00 and beeped loudly three times; having the same sound pervade throughout her apartment for a few seconds.
These two shouldn’t be separated by a semicolon seeing as the latter isn’t a sentence. It’s more of a fragment – a dependent clause, I think.
She’d known Jayin for a very long time [connect these two] Almost since they started elementary school and they had never gone further with each other than making out and fondling each other on his futon at his condo.
“So you’re just gonna marry someone who you don’t know and that’s that? What happened to finding someone you love? What happened to not rushing into anything,” she shook her head at him and looked down into her lap.
new paragraph “I’ve never even met this woman,” Tracie sounded exasperated and she didn’t know what to think again. “Who is she?” Jayin had thought long and hard about what to say to her before, but he was just winging it now and it didn’t seem to make anything any better.
“Ok…… and? Have you found someone or something?”
Ellipses will suffice instead of putting numerous ellipsis marks there.
Capitalizing every letter of a word to show emphasis isn’t really a good idea. It’s better if you use italicization or make it bold rather than capitalizing it. I also refrain from using two punctuation marks (except for quotation marks) beside each other like a question mark and an exclamation mark. They have different uses and they’re not meant to be beside each other. But I suppose, since this is informal English, it’s okay.
This is the first time I’ve read an out of the blue marriage proposal that skips the boyfriend-girlfriend stage so it’s definitely original in my opinion. And it’s not like those stories wherein the guy makes a deal with the girl and they get married right off the bat – No. This is two best friends who have obviously hidden their feelings with each other. In addition to that, I felt that, in the end, Tracie became childish. I didn’t really expect that because I thought she was level-headed at first. Overall, It’s a good story with an original plot and concept so kudos to you for that.
I just have a question; why would another paragraph need to occur in this piece of dialogue:
“So you’re just gonna marry someone who you don’t know and that’s that? What happened to finding someone you love? What happened to not rushing into anything,” she shook her head at him and looked down into her lap.
new paragraph “I’ve never even met this woman,” Tracie sounded exasperated and she didn’t know what to think again. “Who is she?” Jayin had thought long and hard about what to say to her before, but he was just winging it now and it didn’t seem to make anything any better.
To my understanding, when a different character is speaking, then you need to make a new paragraph. Tracie is the only one talking in both instances so why would I make a new paragraph?
Plus, I think your ellipsis and capitalization comments are opinion so I won't be making those changes, but I respect your opinion. Otherwise, I've made the necessary changes with the dependent clause semicolon and the fragmented sentence accordingly.