August 6th, 2013 at 09:04pm
Something I noticed from the get-go of your writing is that you write it like a poem and continuously use the enter key to start new lines when it's unecessary and awkward to look at. In addition, when a new character speaks I personally think it looks neater when you double space is like you would a new paragraph. For example you say:
"Hi!" Brittany said.
"How are you?" Laura responded.
do you know what I'm saying?
Opposed from that, I LOVE your writing. I like how you use short sentences to differentiate between the boy and the girl's actions and reactions to one another. I also love how you start the story right in with an intimate moment; that always gets the reader going.
On the other hand, I'm not really a big fan of going from one paragraph to the other and having a COMPLETE change in setting without any warning; i think you should use a transition instead of going right into a new everything.
I also saw just a few minor spelling mistakes that I think you should fix.
1. "She could hear her own moans ego in the room. echo not ego
2. "Amy looked at the massive plain she'd just gotten off." plane not plain.
Overall I think this story has tons of potential and I know you'll fulfill it once you change these little mistakes. Great job so far :D!
Thank you for the tips, I'll be sure to use them, and for the spelling, English is my second language, so as I write fast I sometimes make silly mistakes like that.