February 5th, 2014 at 04:28pm
*comment swap*
The dashes opposed to quotation marks got confusing at times but other than that, this one shot is really good! It really makes you wonder what happened before the first scene. This could easily be turned into a full story but I like how short and dramatic it is. Great writing! :)
I agree with the person below me, the dashes instead of quotation marks make it a little confusing at times, but this was quite interesting to read! I do think this Dan character deserved what he got in the end; I get that he was hurt and heart-broken by this girl, but killing her like that and burning the scene of the crime seems a bit much. He's obviously messed in the head.
It's all very dramatic, but I would advise perhaps adding more detail to your scenes to give it a little more of the intended mood - that could be from anything like describing the lighting, shadows in corners, the fire when the house goes up in flames, etc. You could even go into more detail about the police uniforms, perhaps just mentioning the colour or a badge or something. Little things like that can really add a lot.
Anyway, this was really good! I also agree it could easily be turned into a full story, whether its to do with the before or after.
I also like the layout, haha, but anyway I quite enjoyed this! :)