September 14th, 2013 at 01:35pm
Such a short snippet! It's very plain, but not simple. Leads to speculation about the main character is upset. I hope it's not just because of the boy... There's really not much to this story though. I feel like this is a really short little story I'd tell my friends at lunch, just something that happened.
The layout is very, very pretty. Got the objective just fine! This is one of the most crushing lies, I know because I do it often. I couldn't tell with the little characterization if it was lie that she was just telling her "friend" or if she was also telling herself. I'll just go with friend.
Thank you for entering!
There were so many characters in this story it was a bit hard to keep track. For only being a bit over 1,000 words, I counted eleven different characters and I got a bit confused on how to keep track since they weren't described. Stephanie is Mexican, Jimmy has a ponytail, Ryan has blue eyes, but that's about it.
I think you captured the obnoxiousness (pardon me, no offence) of a group of teenagers together. I assume they're all teenagers. They read that way. The way they react and then all get so giddy over such a simple occurrence with the seagull is quite realistic so that was well done.
I wish you had included more of Edinburgh in the story. The setting is mentioned in passing once so I think you could've done more with it, given the contest prompt.
Overall, I think it's a very snapshot of the everyday teen story. They're all so excited over nothing and the only real thing going on is what's internally happening with Marie and her crush on Ryan that he doesn't seem to know about. I think that would've been interesting to expand upon, but you got the message across well the way it is.