August 30th, 2013 at 01:28am
A fan fiction about 30 seconds to mars? That must be interesting. I think the first chapter was good, but I feel that you have the potential to make it much better. There was too much dialogue with no action. That will alienate readers. You should have so much talk and no action. It’s a big mistake. But I didn’t dislike the storyline. Yet I think you should put more action in there to keep it interesting. The beginning in the airport was really good. But the fun just faded away. I’d love to read another draft.
There were some mistakes in there. I’m gonna mention one:
He didn't realized that he sat on a seat of a waiting room. (Realized= Realize)
I'm sorry for the lack of action in the story, but I love dialogues so much! Sometimes I write stories with just dialogues. In my language, of course. I know they could be boring ... but I've fun!
Anyway, this is a one-shot. It's part of a series of four. The other chapters are equally chatty. Fran and Jared talk a lot, you're right! In a private room, in a car, on the phone or in bed. And maybe some lines that in italian sounded funny are not so funny in other languages! I will try to do better next time!
So ... thanks again!!! :)