February 11th, 2014 at 01:21am
Matt could have let him have his orgasm before ripping him to shreds! XD Hot sex was hawt!
I liked the tension leading up to it, PHEW!Loved it :D I've loved reading this story, I hope you write more like this :D
Totally Brian.
Interesting way to bring the reader into the story. The idea of a ghost like watchful kind of figure. Very cool.
water dropping off his hair and down the taunt skin of his body, did you mean 'taut' skin?
The dream that he had haunted his thoughts- that he isn't necessary
It was a stream of unconscious which I think the word 'unconsciousness' would fit better here, also you need a comma between that and which.
I believe en suite is two words. The drop dead gorgeous bit was a little bit off kilter for me. Like the story is just kind of taking on this very serious monotonous tone of him you know getting ready and then all of a sudden there's this little hint of cockiness that doesn't fit, especially with the omniscient view point.
Wooow he's really into himself. I've already concluded that I do not like this character haha. I'm just not a fan of men with enormous egos. You do a fantastic job of description but I feel like your emotion is lacking. Like literally I can picture everything he's doing wonderfully but the only real sense I get of him is he's super egotistical. At least about his appearance haha.
It's funny to me that he was a huge jock judging by how he looks now. That's super judgmental of me, I know but based on his appearance he would absolutely have not been in the popular crowd at least not at the school that I attended haha.
Ahhh, okay now as we progress into the chapter the scenery description is wonderful and now he's started to gain a bit more personality to me.
I noticed a few more grammatical and spelling errors throughout the first chapter but with quick read through and spellcheck it shouldn't be too hard to find. Overall nice job though. :)