Pain - Comments

@ Cthulhu Girl
I wrote this when I was 14 (I'm now 18), reading back on it makes me cringe immensely, and I have changed so much as a person since then, but it still remains the most difficult thing I have ever been through in my life. It was my first heartbreak (but not your conventional heartbreak.) Thanks for commenting and reading so many years later!

Your descriptions are very good. They capture a lot of the emotions as well as their physical effects on the body.

I also really like where you started the story. The tension immediately draws the reader in and makes you want to figure out what's going on.

That being said, I feel like the reader gets a little shorted on the "figure out what's going on" end. I understand that this is personal and the facts of the matter you may not want to share, I just mean that from a story point-of-view the reader really wants to figure out what's happening and they're denied that.

I like that you were able to fit so much into the span of one person's question and the main character's reply. It helps draw the moment out for the reader and make them see how it seems to drag on and on for the character trapped in it.

The characters seem really important to the main character, but we don't get any information about them other than a brief description of their eyes and their names. It's not even clear how many of them are staring at the main character. You may be able to flesh out the situation more by talking about the reactions, body language, and attitudes of the other characters without directly describing the situation.

This was really powerful, and it's really descriptive. Pain can be described in a million different ways, and I think that you did an awesome job conveying it! Comparing it to daggers was awesome, and I can definitely relate to a lot of these feelings in here.

Hi guys thank you for all the lovely comments! Unfortunately this is not a story and won't be continued. It is a story in my real life though that has many twists and turns but I won't write that all down :) If you want to read a story of mine check out "call of the waves" Thank you xx
CountryGirl712

it was a nice descriptive piece and for some reason i could relate to it with some stuff thats happened to me and yeah it was really really good

Starting off, this was a very nice descriptive piece. It flowed nicely, and as I read it I could hear the words go faster and faster, like a torrent.

There are a few words now and again (like "is," "and," the like) but it wasn't a big deal.

I thought the repetition worked well for this piece. It emphasized the power of the emotions the narrator was experiencing, and helped the reader feel it on their own.

The comparisons were a nice touch. Mentioning the feeling of a hurt shin really helps the reader experience, because it's something tangible we can sympathize with.

I liked how you mentioned the eyes of those surrounding the narrator. It added a nice touch, and it also relayed the pressures the narrator was under. I also liked how this seemed like an excerpt from a longer story, where the names are mentioned as if we're supposed to already know them.

This was done really well, very powerfully. I feel like it could've been benefitted with a few more metaphor/similes to assist the reader in understanding further her pain. But really, that's all I could think of to help. Very well done!

Comment swap -

While I enjoyed the read, your description of this emotion is amazing. It did bother me how there is such a short summary and no layout. It would seem that a layout would draw more readers. I also noticed a few grammar mistakes, such as no punctuation when the character is talking. Might want to fix that up before your story gets reported. Overall, you did great job.

Quite beautiful! I enjoyed reading this, specifically because it doesn't have the mediocre style a lot of other pieces on this site do. I am very interested and I will be subscribing so that I may continue this story. A combination of the words and emotion put into this really make it a true piece of art. You have a very unique style that presents it's self in your work. Please continue!! Stay beautiful.

Wow. Your diction has definitely got me hooked. The voice behind this story has me on what I feel is a rollercoaster. Jumping and spinning and twisting with each word you write. My favorite line is "There are birds in cages trapped inside your heart, open the doors and let them go." I love it and you should definitely update for people like me who need to know the next parts. Good job.

Well, I'm trying to get a comment swap. When you describe pain as "breaking into tiny pieces" I feel that this really explains the strong emotions associated with any kind of pain, especially emotional pain in particular. I also like how you set it up like a definition.

The part about breaking into tiny pieces really explains it.

Pain is something we all have to deal with, though.

This is a very basic, but extremely accurate description of pain. It really is a strong emotion, deserving of strong words.

I'm sorry about that, that's so annoying!

Oh my goodness I am SO sorry. Comment swap keeps messing up, and I have to say, it's irritating me! As much as I have enjoyed this piece, I don't want to keep re-reading it and commenting every time I go on comment swap. Ugh, the staff is definitely going to be hearing about this!

You have some incredible description in there for sure, but I've got to be honest and say that I don't really understand the relationships and what is happening in the scene itself. I think that elaborating on that would really help heighten all the emotion in the scene.

Some parts felt a little bit wordy and I got lost in all the words and missed what you were actually saying. I suggest reading the piece out loud to yourself and you should catch most of these places.

Over all I think this piece is very intriguing and really promising.

Oh my goodness I am SO sorry. Comment swap keeps messing up, and I have to say, it's irritating me! As much as I have enjoyed this piece, I don't want to keep re-reading it and commenting every time I go on comment swap. Ugh, the staff is definitely going to be hearing about this!

for starters, I think you should have a layout. I think it would be lovely for a piece like this, and attract more readers. You had a few grammatical errors here and there, but nothing to the extreme, but other than that i enjoyed this. maybe invest in an editor or read over it and edit it yourself before publishing it? Might be a good idea. Keep up the work. :) - I had to do this AGAIN, because I'm guessing there is an error with Comment Swap. My bad!

for starters, I think you should have a layout. I think it would be lovely for a piece like this, and attract more readers. You had a few grammatical errors here and there, but nothing to the extreme, but other than that i enjoyed this. maybe invest in an editor or read over it and edit it yourself before publishing it? Might be a good idea. Keep up the work. :)

@ CountryGirl712
Go to your stories tab on My Mibba, click "edit" under the story tab and it should let you edit it.
I also noticed you should space out your paragraphs so it doesn't look so jumbled up.