The layout is nice, not too crowded but not too sparse either. I love the banner picture, those tattoos are pretty cool. Everything meshes really well.
I honestly adore that you've started this with super-short sentences. I'm a sucker for that because it creates tension and draws you in right away. It works well in context as well because those sort of things are short and scrambled and as quick as possible. You've paired the two short sentences up with a choppy long sentence which I wouldn't usually like (I hate commas with a passion) but it works. It sets up this fast-paced beginning and you continue that throughout the piece. You then go on and the dialogue explains so much and makes the intro even better because it's anger and angst and...yeah, it just really works. I've not read all of the entries yet, but yours is the first to include a little comedy (roommate walking in on you - embarrassing and a little funny!) and I really do think that it meshes well with the seriousness of the rest of the piece. You've ended it without answering a lot of questions, which is really interesting because it allows the reader to let their mind wander into the future and think about what did happen with their relationship. It'd be interesting to see this fleshed out as a full story but it works well as a one-shot, which is another of the things that I like about that piece.
No complaints in terms of spelling or grammar, so really well done!
Overall? I loved this. It was short and snappy and you've used your sentence structure to great effect in adding a little extra atmosphere throughout. Thanks for entering!
The layout is nice, not too crowded but not too sparse either. I love the banner picture, those tattoos are pretty cool. Everything meshes really well.
I honestly adore that you've started this with super-short sentences. I'm a sucker for that because it creates tension and draws you in right away. It works well in context as well because those sort of things are short and scrambled and as quick as possible. You've paired the two short sentences up with a choppy long sentence which I wouldn't usually like (I hate commas with a passion) but it works. It sets up this fast-paced beginning and you continue that throughout the piece. You then go on and the dialogue explains so much and makes the intro even better because it's anger and angst and...yeah, it just really works. I've not read all of the entries yet, but yours is the first to include a little comedy (roommate walking in on you - embarrassing and a little funny!) and I really do think that it meshes well with the seriousness of the rest of the piece. You've ended it without answering a lot of questions, which is really interesting because it allows the reader to let their mind wander into the future and think about what did happen with their relationship. It'd be interesting to see this fleshed out as a full story but it works well as a one-shot, which is another of the things that I like about that piece.
No complaints in terms of spelling or grammar, so really well done!
Overall? I loved this. It was short and snappy and you've used your sentence structure to great effect in adding a little extra atmosphere throughout. Thanks for entering!