I think, there isn't much majorly wrong with this story, but even at the third chapter, I still have some things to say. The layout is good; it's readable, so I can't complain about that. I think the dialogue seems to be getting better as it goes along, but there's a lack of contracted words that make the characters seem more like robots than like believable people. There are a few minor spelling and grammatical errors that can be read over without problem. I have to say, my biggest beef so far, what's pushed me to comment now rather than when I catch up, is the lack of substance. It seems like it's just a bit of text then dialogue, then a line break and it starts over again. I'm not really seeing a lot of structure, and I'm not getting anything in there about the characters that really makes me care about them, like their thoughts and feelings. The pacing so far seems to be alright, but I think I would slow it down and try to aim for six to ten sentences per paragraph with the occasional one-liner to tie things together. Overall, the premise of the story is good, and it seems to be developing well. I just would like to see more of the characters that what you give us in the dialogue. Not bad after a two year hiatus.
December 31st, 2013 at 10:54am
