Wrong - Comments

I'm here taking over the judging for the Song Contest!

Layout / Summary

The layout colours are really lovely and calming on the eye, so I like that. The only niggle I have is that the words are really close to the border, so the content padding for the text could do with being adjusted but it isn't major! I do feel that this could maybe have benefitted from more of a summary, but the lyrics work well as well.

Content

Literally within the first few sentences, I felt connected to the character. I've only been to London twice in my life, but you set up this urgent style of writing, almost rushed and it fits perfectly with the mentality of walking through a crowd in the city centre. I loved that. That sense of urgency just seemed to grow more when you learn of the narrator's plight and the pleading to the young woman. I also like that the characteristics of the narrator seem to match the age -- I personally believe it'd be naive to believe that someone would call off a wedding and run away at the last minute and at that age (despite being a year off of it), you're definitely incredibly naive to the world, so that really interested me.

I also liked that this didn't have a happy ending. I think that any happy ending to this would just seem really unrealistic and having this end the way it did makes it all the more real and relatable.

Concrit

The only suggestion I have is that in places, you do over-use commas. I'd have a read back through and omit any that aren't needed.

Overall

This was a really intriguing and atmospheric piece of writing. Keep up the good work!

I loved this so much bravo. I was actually shocked that she didn't end up going away with him at the end but I loved it at the same time. It just proves that sometimes life doesn't always have a happy ending.

It's just a tiny bit cliche, "run in to stop the bride from marrying someone other than me" but the way that it was written makes me able to overlook that. Because the difference between this story and those, is that the bride ultimately refused. I love stories with bad endings. I like it when the characters didn't get what they wanted in the end, when the results are rather heartbreaking. I'm not a sadist, I just prefer sad endings. I think too many times in fiction does the author try to make it a fairy tale where nothing bad ever happens and everything winds up being fine, and that's just not how real life is. As usual, your imagery was spot-on and made me feel like I was in the narrator's shoes. 10/10, good work!

distraught but that word choice doesn't seem to convey that as much. From there, it was perfect. Overall, only a few fixes would help improve this, just vary your sentence structure for flow and hit your word choice, and you'll be good. :)

pretty typical in stories but it doesn't read right in my opinion. Also, most of your movement-related word choice is fantastic, but "made my way, move, went" fall flat as a result, but it should be fairly easy to fix that when your word choice has been otherwise excellent. And it was at this point his eyes turned grey? A simple mistake, it's happened to me before too. When Milena first sees him, she frantically looks away, so it seems odd for him to say she would "prefer" to be anywhere else. It's not the wrong meaning at all, just the wrong connotation to match frantic. Her dialogue was spot on, but his during his little speech that began "I know your parents think..." came off as a little more stilted. He's eighteen, but he didn't use many contractions, so it reads a little formal versus hers which sounds natural. And then a little thing, "looking at anywhere," the at isn't really needed. One last thing. When he says he was "making her look at me," it lacked the connotation again. He's feeling upset and...

Here for your comment swap. As before, this might take two to three posts to get it all in. Right to it. This was very sad. :( I felt for the narrator of this tale, especially once he and Milena were in the room together because it raised the stakes, and to me it speaks volumes when a young man of only eighteen cries. You captured his emotions at that moment, and that was lovely. Now, your structure was muddled due to many sentence fragments followed by commas which then lead to a normal subject-noun sentence. While these sentences are needed to vary flow, the number of them is extremely large and when it occurs three or more times, one after the other, the flow is harder to fall into. These coupled with standard sentences help with that, changing it up, keeping the story moving. When he sees the church, he describes his "frantic blue eyes" which would work in third person but doesn't so much in first. Most people don't think of their coloring unless confronted with a mirror, and then they notice. This is...

I like these.

:( That was sad, but nicely done. Good work, but I'm kinda depressed now...

Okay, I think this one may be my second favorite story of yours. I love you descriptions throughout the story, the lyrics and the layout. I love the last sentence in the sixth paragraph.

I have some suggestions though. :)
i think you could put 'the crowd grew denser" in the first paragraph.
Maybe in the second paragraph, instead of having that really long sentence at the end, you could break it into two smaller ones?
You may change "moved back into the church" to "went back into the church"
I would suggest changing the fourth paragraph a little, only because it's kind of fast and you use the word 'door' a lot in it.
Maybe change 'like that' to "like this" and "anything" to 'anywhere"

In the twelfth paragraph, I would suggest changing the first sentence, talking about how several minutes passed before realization hit…only because it's really similar to another one of your stories. I would possibly change the rain at the end too...that's just a suggestion though.

Overall, I love this story. I don't know if it's the whole destined to never really be together, broken relationship-thing or what but…I like it a lot. I love the last line. Great job. :)

This was beautifully written! I loved this.

This was beautifully written! I loved this.