April 3rd, 2014 at 08:02am
Great job!
This once could really even be a story. You could give more background leading up to him coming to America and them how he found his job. And then lead into him meeting Sid. *just a dream* BUT anyway, this was really really great. Didn't expect this from you but it didn't disappoint at all!
Not sure how I missed this one either.
The beginning was nice, the simple start was good but as I started reading I noticed a number of grammatical errors which, of course, is normally no big deal but some of them I just couldn't look past.
I really, really don't like when new (proper) paragraphs are not started when someone else starts speaking. Technically you started new paragraphs but you didn't allow for a space in-between them, which makes for easier reading.
You shouldn't have introduced Geno as "Commie". It looked good on Frank, because you made him out to be an insensitive jerk, but by introducing the main protagonist as "Commie" it really, really blurs the line of who the character is, like, is Commie supposed to be Geno, is it a nickname, or is it someone else completely? On a similar note, "here was the place to be" isn't specific. "Here" could be anywhere.
You were also missing a lot of commas, and, like I said, normally it's not a big deal but there was an abundance of commas that were missing, especially after names. In addition, make sure you don't use commas when you should be using periods.
There were two things about being in the fire that really irked me. First, Geno ran into a massive fire on his own, and I'm sure that never would have happened, even with a fire dog. Second, when the three of them were in the burning building for who knows how long, they all would have died from smoke inhalation! Firefighters don't carry oxygen and even if they could without the tank exploding, the oxygen very well could only have protected one of them, if that at all.
I liked the way you incorporated some of the Penguins into the story. I thought you could have done more, but I liked reading Brooks Orpik as a cop.
I also really, really liked the ending. It was really simple, really sweet, and really cute. I don't know if you've ever written anything along the lines of gay (and I really appreciated that you took it that way, I didn't think anyone would!!) but it was really smooth if it was your first time writing it. I didn't expect it, either, I was totally expecting something heterosexual. It was like the both of them had little crushes, it was so sweet. So good on you for not being afraid to try something new- two new things, actually!!- it turned out pretty well for a first time.
Thanks so much for entering! :*