Broken - Comments

This is great. The repetition really works (which can be hard). And even though it's definitely stream of consciousness it really works. The style is great.

1/1

Oh my gods, I love repetition in stories. I'm going to freak out a little about this for a second because I think it's such an underrated literary tool and it works so well within the context of your piece. It just ties everything together and it adds so much to the flow that it's unbelievable. I read through this entire thing and was very satisfied by the technical aspects of this piece.

Usually I'd take an absolute bitch fit about how many commas are contained within the second paragraph but it works. It gives this idea of one massive long thought which I know myself is what happens when you're trying to sleep and can't. It's like a whirlwind half of the time and I think you captured that perfectly. The really long flowing sentences also help that a lot and I really do get the perfect sense of this being written late at night and almost being an amalgamation of all of your thoughts at the time. It's really interesting to read something that way.

Concrit

The only thing I'm going to suggest is more of a formatting issue than anything. Instead of having your final four lines as close as they are, you should really separate them by a blank line each so that they look as follows:

I'm pathetic, I know.

I'm desperate, I know.

I'm hopeless, believe me, I know.

I'm broken, I know.

Even then, it doesn't take anything away from the story. I'm just being really pernickety with the technical aspects.

Overall

This seems like a muddle of thoughts, but it seems like an organised muddle of thoughts. I think it works really well and it brings across a slew of emotions really well. Amazing job!

I love this so much! Your use of repetition makes the whole thing very powerful. The fact that the sentences are very long with lots of repetition actually adds to the effect, because I noticed that you said these were thoughts at night. When people think thoughts in bed, that's how you tend to think. Thoughts always aren't structured or organised very well at night in the mind, and they don't always flow 100% smoothly. There are often hints of repetition in night time thoughts, or at least there are for me. This drabble reflects that feeling very well, and adds another layer of depth to it.

I found myself really connecting to this. Well done!

I love the style you used to write this, it's very interesting, I also love the actually to the content, because it's so well written and then it's relatable. I really enjoyed reading this. :)

Some of the repetition works really in your favor, but only in certain spots. In others it makes the piece seem like one big run on sentence and that doesn't flow too well. Other than that I very much like the piece. I recommend getting a layout though, it'll earn you more readers.

First of all, I'm sorry it took me so long to get done with the comment swap, I've been way too busy but finally I'm here to finish these.

Layout and Summary:

There are premade layouts, bannerless ones as well. If you don't know how to make them, then use the premade ones. It's hard to read when the text is so wide.

Now, you have to take of the info from the summary. If there's something you want to say then do that in the author's note.

On to the actual chapter,

we both know this.
Repeating this sentence is breaking the flow I believe. Re-word it maybe? So the meaning stays the same...

You have written, Sometimes I wish you could save me. and in the sentence after the next one you are saying, Then I wish you could save me. You are repeating sentences without even re-wording them and in this piece it's not working well, sadly.

I adore the second paragraph. Now, that was powerful. It is filled with so much emotion that no one can say otherwise. Well done!

In the third paragraph some commas are missing. You might wanna add them on parts when you come back to edit this.

Because I think I'll die, no, don't worry, I'm not talking physical.
I like teh feeling you give off and I can imagine the narrator perfectly, because you have mirrored her feelings, but it somehow feels awkward after the first comma.

The final paragraph is stating what she believes about herself and I like it. But that I know you repeat made it boring to me. Why not change the second, third and fourth I know to, I know that too, or and that as well, that I really know or something like those.

Overall,
what made this piece a good one was the honesty and the emotional tsunami.

-Marian.

I loved this drabble c:
Very nicely written. I'd definitely love to read more c:

I like this so far. Are you going to update it?