February 15th, 2014 at 02:28am
Merry Christmas!
I like this little one-shot. It was a little unexpected. I think that the best way to improve this story is to watch how varied your sentence lengths are; a lot of them come off a quite ramble-y due to their huge length. The rhetorical question at the end would have a much bigger impact if it wasn't so long, I think.
Good luck with the contest!
I have never read a story like this before and I find it unique and interesting. I like how the readers don't know exactly who were seeing the story through the eyes of, although it is obvious that this person admires and respects the character who looks down upon themselves.
I love the description poured into this story and how even though the sentences are a bit longer, it doesn't interrupt the story flow. I also love how one thing just flows to the next and it isn't choppy and unsmooth. This is a really great piece of writing and I am recommending it.
The only thing I didn't like about this is that it had no layout. I feel like a really nice layout would have added to the story and made it go from a 4.5 to 5.
Other than that, I loved this and please keep on writing!