Voice - Comments

"We'll burn like stars. We'll burn as we fall"
Wow. This was just simply...wow. And I hate you for making me read this. I was so happy and heck...But this was simply awesome. You're such a good writer. :)

Here judging the fourth round of Sixth Time's the Charm!

I like how much description is in this. I don't usually like pieces that spend so long describing a character, but this fits. It seems right and works really well within the context of the story. You build up such a strong picture of this woman as she sings and it's almost breathtaking. You really do get the idea that the narrator is completely and irrevocably in love with this person, but you also get these really fine strands of grief throughout as well and having two emotions that conflict so much really works in your favour. It makes the entire piece that little bit more powerful. Having the lyrics chop up the paragraphs works well as well, it's almost as if you can see her perform whilst the narrator daydreams about her. It just adds this extra dimension into the whole thing.

The only thing I could suggest would be the same as what silk tea. suggested. Aside from that, I couldn't see any issues. Great job!

The way you touched the microphone as your long, blonde hair danced around your slender waist made my heart dance along with your slowly dancing figure I recommend changing the word dance in here. You use it three times and it kind of disrupts the flow of the sentence. Maybe try 'sway' or 'grooves' or something.

I always love stories where someone is so in love with someone else and that person doesn't even know they exist. Like he/she's so mesmerized by this woman and yet it doesn't even seem that he knows her and yet he's willing to kill himself just on the off chance that she might want to be with him in the afterlife. That's actually pretty sad if you think about it. Very nicely done.

I have to say, at the beginning it reads like a thriller. I am half expecting the narrator to be a stalker and the ending to be slightly different. I did like it though. It's very capturing. You're a good author. I found this through your comment swap blog post. Would you mind doing me the honor of commenting on my short story Sanctuary?

This was a great read! You did a wonderful job with incorporating the song with the topic and making it flow. Keep up the great work and good luck in the contest!!

I'm sure my heart all but jumped out of my chest while reading this. I loved it. Good job!! :)