March 25th, 2014 at 05:37pm
Here judging the fourth round of Sixth Time's the Charm!
I like how much description is in this. I don't usually like pieces that spend so long describing a character, but this fits. It seems right and works really well within the context of the story. You build up such a strong picture of this woman as she sings and it's almost breathtaking. You really do get the idea that the narrator is completely and irrevocably in love with this person, but you also get these really fine strands of grief throughout as well and having two emotions that conflict so much really works in your favour. It makes the entire piece that little bit more powerful. Having the lyrics chop up the paragraphs works well as well, it's almost as if you can see her perform whilst the narrator daydreams about her. It just adds this extra dimension into the whole thing.
The only thing I could suggest would be the same as what silk tea. suggested. Aside from that, I couldn't see any issues. Great job!
Wow. This was just simply...wow. And I hate you for making me read this. I was so happy and heck...But this was simply awesome. You're such a good writer. :)