The People We Become - Comments

*Here from Comment swap* I found the story a little hard to follow. It didn't draw me in like a good story does. I think this could be a really good story but it needs a little work. I didn't feel connect with Robert or Samuel. They didn't seem like people really.

Good or bad first? I'll go with the bad. Well, not bad, but you get the idea. You need to space your paragraphs properly, right now the majority are crammed together, when they should be more spread out as to allow it to be read easier. You also change perspectives a lot, or scenes. It probably shouldn't be done to this extent in a single chapter.

You also need to edit a bit, because I can see many grammatical mistakes. For example:

"When his younger brother found him he was all alone on a street corner."

should be

"When his younger brother found him, he was all alone on a street corner."

Just little things like that. Otherwise the story is good. Though confusing, I get the whole two scenes bit. Robert seems to be an interesting character, and I think I'd like to see more of him. Hopefully, you continue the rest of your story! xx