I’m here to judge for the ‘Pick and Choose’ contest.
This was definitely a sweet story. I have a soft spot for the “best friends to lovers” trope so I definitely thought it was cute how Tommy and Alyssa progressed to that, despite all the trouble in between. It was cute that Alyssa’s Mom even knew about her feelings towards Tommy, and encouraged it because she knew Tommy would be good for her. I definitely liked this more because of the narrative and how you wrote it. I could feel that reluctant growth and admiration in Tommy’s feelings towards Alyssa, and that confusion towards her situation and secrecy. It made easy for me to connect and sympathize with him because he, too, was affected by Alyssa’s behind-the-curtains life.
I kind of think that perhaps Tommy would have started piecing things together sooner than he did, though. I’m not sure if it was because of how you/Tommy implied it since it was written in past tense, but I felt like it was blatantly obvious that Alyssa was being abused—horribly, at that. So I’m not sure if Tommy was subconsciously turning a blind eye to it, but I felt like it was maybe a little bit unrealistic that he didn’t start figuring it out until the hospital.
Also, you have a lot of grammatical errors that make the story read awkwardly.
A really good example is the opening sentence/paragraph: Growing up, I had a friend who was; actually in retrospect she was really bad ass. Now, please don’t misunderstand me when I say bad ass. I don’t necessarily mean that she was a tattoo and piercing junkie or a daredevil or insane or entirely reckless, I mean she did amazing things, she was a bad ass, a survivor.
For one, the first part seems unfinished. Growing up, I had a friend who was; – Who was [what]? I’m not sure if you accidentally missed something or you misunderstood the use of a semi-colon. I’m going under the assumption that you missed something though because that’s how it read. Then moving into the second part of the first sentence: actually in retrospect she was really bad ass. – The word you’re aiming for is ‘badass’, so it shouldn’t be two words. When you write it as two words, you’re saying something completely different from what you’re intending so there’s a brief moment of amusement when I should definitely be taking this more seriously.
And then for the last sentence: I don’t necessarily mean that she was a tattoo and piercing junkie or a daredevil or insane or entirely reckless, I mean she did amazing things, she was a bad ass, a survivor. – It’s a run-on sentence that could definitely afford to be broken up by replacing the commas with periods. It would put more of an emphasis on your point rather than me imagining your narrator talking really fast. Perhaps you should try something like, I don’t necessarily mean that she was a tattoo and piercing junkie, or a daredevil or insane or entirely reckless. I mean she did amazing things. She was a badass—a survivor. Or something along those lines. It breaks the sentence up and delivers more of an impact because a period is like a sharp stop, whereas a comma is a brief pause. It’s a dramatic thing, tbh.
Another glaring error that I caught was towards the end: […] in the end she through the still burning cigarette butt into the Grand Canyon. – ‘Through’ should be ‘threw’ in this context.
But overall, I thought this was a really cute story! The ending was adorable and I’m very glad that they both got their happy ending—especially Alyssa because wow, she had it rough. Good job!
This was definitely a sweet story. I have a soft spot for the “best friends to lovers” trope so I definitely thought it was cute how Tommy and Alyssa progressed to that, despite all the trouble in between. It was cute that Alyssa’s Mom even knew about her feelings towards Tommy, and encouraged it because she knew Tommy would be good for her. I definitely liked this more because of the narrative and how you wrote it. I could feel that reluctant growth and admiration in Tommy’s feelings towards Alyssa, and that confusion towards her situation and secrecy. It made easy for me to connect and sympathize with him because he, too, was affected by Alyssa’s behind-the-curtains life.
I kind of think that perhaps Tommy would have started piecing things together sooner than he did, though. I’m not sure if it was because of how you/Tommy implied it since it was written in past tense, but I felt like it was blatantly obvious that Alyssa was being abused—horribly, at that. So I’m not sure if Tommy was subconsciously turning a blind eye to it, but I felt like it was maybe a little bit unrealistic that he didn’t start figuring it out until the hospital.
Also, you have a lot of grammatical errors that make the story read awkwardly.
A really good example is the opening sentence/paragraph: Growing up, I had a friend who was; actually in retrospect she was really bad ass. Now, please don’t misunderstand me when I say bad ass. I don’t necessarily mean that she was a tattoo and piercing junkie or a daredevil or insane or entirely reckless, I mean she did amazing things, she was a bad ass, a survivor.
For one, the first part seems unfinished. Growing up, I had a friend who was; – Who was [what]? I’m not sure if you accidentally missed something or you misunderstood the use of a semi-colon. I’m going under the assumption that you missed something though because that’s how it read. Then moving into the second part of the first sentence: actually in retrospect she was really bad ass. – The word you’re aiming for is ‘badass’, so it shouldn’t be two words. When you write it as two words, you’re saying something completely different from what you’re intending so there’s a brief moment of amusement when I should definitely be taking this more seriously.
And then for the last sentence: I don’t necessarily mean that she was a tattoo and piercing junkie or a daredevil or insane or entirely reckless, I mean she did amazing things, she was a bad ass, a survivor. – It’s a run-on sentence that could definitely afford to be broken up by replacing the commas with periods. It would put more of an emphasis on your point rather than me imagining your narrator talking really fast. Perhaps you should try something like, I don’t necessarily mean that she was a tattoo and piercing junkie, or a daredevil or insane or entirely reckless. I mean she did amazing things. She was a badass—a survivor. Or something along those lines. It breaks the sentence up and delivers more of an impact because a period is like a sharp stop, whereas a comma is a brief pause. It’s a dramatic thing, tbh.
Another glaring error that I caught was towards the end: […] in the end she through the still burning cigarette butt into the Grand Canyon. – ‘Through’ should be ‘threw’ in this context.
But overall, I thought this was a really cute story! The ending was adorable and I’m very glad that they both got their happy ending—especially Alyssa because wow, she had it rough. Good job!