State of Play - Comments

The dialogue is easily readable now the everything is nice and spaced out. I wish this chapter had two things: A more gripping description of the garden, and a thorough description of Soren (His skills decide the fate of renton. The way you describe him willl directly change the mood of the story.) Remember, we ,as readers, want to FEEL things. Make us feel things. Describe your world so thoroughly until we are emotionally invested in the outcome.

I like this. Your writing style breaks the fourth wall, which is cool. Two things though: Descriptions of settings and characters could use some love, especially with the final scene due to its importance. Secondly, when writing dialogue, its advised to start a new paragraph each time someone new is talking. A block of shifting speech can lose the reader.
Other than that, I approve.

ohwow! not only a world that revolves around gaming but a surprising plot twist in chapter one! Fantastic! Although it's at the top, there's only going up from here!