Abode - Comments

Thanks :) I will take more time on my comments from now on!

@ James Abbey

Oh, I get the problem. The moderator didn't count your comment as a legit comment because other than the whole "who-whom" thing, all you said about the story was (basically): that this story is waffle and it's good to do when you have writer's block.

You have to talk more about the story. Like any spelling or comma errors, or if it doesn't flow right, or something like that. Also, you could help by saying which of the stories (about the characters that my main character remembers) that you liked the best and why.

That's probably why they removed it. It's what I'm guessing, anyway.

@ SecretPiggyMafia
No worries, didn't stop the moderator removing it from the thread! He said I didn't comment on any characters or settings. I don't think he read the story in question! I've asked him to put it back. Waffle away, I think it's an excellent tactic to remove writer's block or if you're just plain stuck.
I always get them mixed up too - _ -

@ James Abbey

Okay. I’ll check that site to see if I used “whom” right. I always get who and whom mixed up. Thanks for saying you like my use of words. I’m not sure what you mean by waffle. I assume you mean it’s just a random bit of writing. In that case, you are right. That’s why I put it under the genre of drabble. It’s not an actual story with a plot and storyline, it’s just an idea floating out there. That was the point. Helps with writer’s block quite a bit, so I’ll probably be posting more “waffles” in the future. Haha, waffles. I like waffles! Omnomnom. Thanks for the comment.

http://www.scribe.com.au/tip-w023.html
Check out this site for that 'whom' usage, I'm not sure it's correct.
Well it's a short piece and nothing is really wrong with it. I guess it's lacking definition. Why should I read this? What did I learn or experience? I like your use of words, you obviously have good control, but really this is a little bit of waffle - but as you say right at the end you're aware of that so... great job punching that writer's block straight to the nose.
This is a great way to overcome a time where you normally just stare at your computer for hours in agony with some productive writing. I'd encourage you to just keep doing what you're doing - when you are stuck, keep writing even if it's waffle!

@ taste my dream

The reason I didn't tell much about the narrator is because it's supposed to remain mostly a mystery. I did this because if there's a continuation of this, that's when we'll get to know about them. This is kinda a prequel that just barely gives you a taste of what's to come, but only barely.

One thing I wish is that I could've had a bit more info on who the narrator exactly was, beyond what they decided to let the reader know. We know about the people they've met, but not much about themselves. But other than that, I liked how insightful the person was in regards to others and the situation they were in. I feel like I got a fairly good picture of the narrator's personality from the way they talked and how they thought about their situation since they've died. Good work c:

@ margarine megurine

Okay, I edited all the mistakes, including the summary. Are there any more semicolons that I need to get rid of? Also, what part of my diction is bad? Also, what do you mean when you say "it can be a script, you know"?

Also what do you mean it seems deep yet shallow? DO you mean it seems that way intentionally? What makes it shallow? And about the transitions of the tones not being clear to you, how is that so? Exactly at what point does it get confusing? Please let me know. Thank you.

Are there any more mistakes? Is it better now? Any suggestions?

Thanks for the help.

@ margarine megurine

Thank you for all the help. I'm going to go fix it, and when I do, I'm going to let you know. Once I fix it, can you please re-read it and tell me what else needs to be fixed. I want it to be perfect. Thank you.

In my opinion, the summary is lacking quite a bit. It’s not that effective in pulling me in as a reader, actually.

The first paragraph is pretty okay but it still seems repetitive to me. I guess that it’s the repetition of words that affects the flow of the paragraph. It doesn’t flow like it should be, actually.

This place used to live to the son of a bitch that killed me.
Perhaps you could change it to “this place used to belong to the son of a bitch that killed me” instead. It definitely sounds better than the sentence above.

The second paragraph is not smooth as well. The sentences are quite choppy and it ruins the flow. For example, the first three sentences of the paragraph are choppy.

…every day I fucking haunted his ass, me and all of the other ghosts of his victims.
I don’t know if it’s me but this sentence could be reworded better. Maybe you could change the sentence structure to make it sound better (eg. I fucking haunted his ass with the other ghosts of his victims every day).

Life is unfair, which is another thing people say.
This disrupted the flow as well. The sentences before it were running smoothly until you repeated a phrase which you used twice in the first paragraph.

By the end of the second paragraph, I’m feeling a little bit iffy because there are a few disruptions to the continuation of sentences and it kind of ruins the moment when you finally get into reading the piece. It is like eating a bowl of ice cream then you see an insect fall on top of it.

Let’s see who I can remember; it’s been so long since they all left me, after all. I remember Sarah.
You could use a transition device like although to make the shift smoother.

She was a special needs teacher; she loved her students like they were her own children.
On the other hand, I think you’ve used the semicolon enough. You could have used the conjunction “and” instead of the semicolon because as I have said before, it disrupts the shift of sentences.

The third paragraph has the same problem as the first and second ones. There are some sentences that disrupts the flow in a snap.

The two paragraphs that follow it should have better transition. I had to read them over and over again just so I could determine if it was wrong or correct.

I remember asking Dave, and I quote, “Why the fuck did you do that? That sorry sack of shit ruined your life.”
You don’t need the “and I quote.”

Hmm… Well, I remember this one elderly woman who used to, when she was younger and able, build toys by hand and give them to impoverished children during the winter holidays.
Sometimes the structures of long sentences are confusing. Since there are more than 5-6 words, you tend to overlook some details that affect it. Now, with this sentence, you should transfer “used to” beside “build.” But now that I think about it more, I don’t think you need to put the “when she was younger and able” because you already put “used to” which symbolizes the past.

I’m all alone in the dilapidated, dusty house.
You should replace “the” with “this” because you used “here” in the following sentence.

When alive, I was so cold and heartless, caring about no one but myself. In the afterlife, I learned that there is beauty in the human race, that good people do exist.
You should put an “I” after “when.”

I should be used this this by now; I do it every day.
You repeated “this” twice.

I’ve done nothing of value; therefore I don’t deserve to finally move on. So I am trapped here…forever.
You should remove the “finally” because it seems like an excess in that clause. I think I’ve mentioned before that you’ve overused semicolons. For this sentence, you could maximize the potential for these two clauses to be one whole sentence. You could change it to something like “I don’t deserve to move on since I’ve done nothing of value.”

Overall, I perceived the tone to be dark and somewhat deep (but at the same time shallow) but suddenly, it suddenly became sorrowful by the end. The transitions between those tones are not that clear to me. Although I realized that this resembles a monologue (it can be a script, you know), it is still opaque in my perspective. I think that this story could be improved by fixing your sentence structures and your diction. But all in all, this proved to be a good piece especially since it's written in the first person perspective.

@ WholeLottaARTTM

Thanks.

Wow. This is amazing.

Oh wow, I'd really like to read something like that :o

@ ErenJaeger

Thank you so much! Maybe, more stories may come from this but I am not sure. If it does, it'll be about Joey's 2nd chance at life, but it's just a maybe.

This was really sad. I feel terrible for Joey. And I can totally relate to them too, about being selfish and heartless and then realizing what a bad person you are when its too late to set things right. I really liked reading about all the different things that your other characters did, too.