May 12th, 2014 at 09:20am
Okay so, I'm going to start reading this and also comment on things I like in here. As well as things I like/dislike, I'm going to point out things that should be edited, per mibba guidelines.
First of all, per mibba guidelines, you need to space out your paragraphs. Another thing is that you have to remove links/urls from your chapter content. So in chapter one and seven, just have the url in the author's note be the only url.
I also recommend you format it as an actual link so her outfit is what it looks like when you type it up. It should work in your author's note, but I don't think this works in the comments. Then again, I also recommend using sites like polyvore for outfits, since whether that url stays available is totally out of your control unless that's your twitter account. Especially with the prom outfit, you should upload that pic somewhere else, because that link will definitely stop working at some point.
Grammar wise, I recommend going back through and carefully looking through it or putting it at least through microsoft word. I say this, because some of your words are unnecessarily capitalized (i.e. Red Headed girl) and you're also missing some punctuation. Apostrophes seem to be missing frequently. There also seems to be some confusion between your and you're, so be careful about that. An easy tip for that would be to think in your head if changing it to 'you are' makes sense. If it does, then you use you're. If it doesn't, then use your.
I also find jumping to another character's point of view should be if you absolutely have to show something that can't be guessed or shown from a different point of view. Jumping to Lydia's point of view literally just to have her dial a phone number was unnecessary. If you just said a few moments later Avery's phone rang, we can all guess that Lydia dialed the phone number.
All in all, it's pretty decent, although moves at a little bit faster of a pace than appeals to me. I do wish you luck with the story though. :)