The Forbidden Object - Comments

First, let me apologize for just now getting to this. Second, I liked it!! I mean, I like feeling like I’m on drugs when I’m not on drugs, so A+++. Also the fact that this is your first attempt, in a genre you’re not familiar with, is in itself impressive!

Anyway, surrealism really isn't my area of expertise [actually I have no area of expertise], but since you asked for criticism and I genuinely want to help, here we go??

Let me start off by saying I’m more of an idea guy than a critique-- like I’m basically just going to throw around my [totally irrelevant] perspective/opinion in hopes that you can take ANYTHING from it creatively and make it into something of your own. So *drumroll*

While reading through your comments, I noticed someone recommended broadening the vocabulary of this piece, and I can’t help but agree. I think it’s really just a result of being thrust into a new genre with your old/comfortable rotating closet of vocabulary words. Literally every author does that. It’s usually recommended that you read more, but I think it would also be cool if authors traded their comfy words with other authors like a word clothing swap (so I’m gonna give you some of my comfy words here in a minute).

On the topic of vocabulary, I felt more descriptive words could have been used to allude to the set metaphor, instead of structurally reinforcing it throughout the piece. Again, I feel like that’s just a result of a comfy vocabulary, and I don’t think there’s anything technically wrong with it. I just felt it’s kind of telling the reader, instead of showing them, y’know?

Ex: The snake snapped its mouth shut

Lame suggestion: The fanged gaping maw hissed shut.

I know I just got through bitching about “structured metaphors”, whatever that is, but I also felt you could have played with the lines on the paper a bit more by possibly establishing a flat line/heart monitor metaphor, and connecting it with the paper by alluding it’s color to bone (or possibly by describing ‘bones buckling’ when describing the paper crumpling idk), thus making the paper a living/dead entity. I feel like that would make the descent into the afterlife (garbage can) more impactful. I also feel it would shed (albeit very little) light on the girl’s feelings towards the paper: it’s dead/ ruined/ maybe she wrote something on it she thought she meant but doesn’t, or it’s a note from someone else. But again, just throwing around ideas!!

Anyway, that’s really all I’ve got, (I mean I said I really liked this, so naturally I wouldn't want to change too much about it) so I’ll close by offering some words you might be able to draw inspiration from:

spherical, expanse (ex: expanse of white), canvas, plains and/or flatlands (good for alluding to the original state of the paper: nature) extended (ex: the girl extended her arm)

Translucent, pallid, opaque, clamp, masticate, ensnare, wrench, slink, drift

Absorb (ex: absorbing the shape of every ink stain) blots, tendrils, vines, webs, (of) obsidian, (ink)

cosmos, parsecs [ok not one of my comfy words but relevant to this piece ‘burning through parsecs of the cosmos’ or s/t idk], macrocosm, careen (ex: careening through parsecs of the macrocosm), plummet, plunge, opulence, visceral.

Well, I hope this inconsequential comment helped somehow. Thank you for posting!!

pretty good :)

@ vechs davion
Thank you so much!

Quote

ending its life as well as its journey by sailing into the deep abyss that is the garbage can.

That line right there. I love it.

I love this all. You found my weak spot, you did, surrealism in literature. It's beautifully written. <3

Quote

ending its life as well as its journey by sailing into the deep abyss that is the garbage can.

That line right there. I love it.

I love this all. You found my weak spot, you did, surrealism in literature. It's beautifully written. <3

@ Death The Angel
thank you, love! You're so sweet.

@ Formaldehyde.
Thank you so much. I knew my word choice needed work, and you've helped quite a bit! I typed this on my phone, which insists on auto-correcting "its" to "it's"!

As Death The Angel said, the descriptions in this are superb! In such a small amount of words you've created this intriguing image that takes the reader on, well, what seems like an acid trip! The only thing I would say is, though your word choice is good, maybe to broaden it a little more.. I think, with it being such a short and surreal piece, you should widen your vocabulary.

The smudges seemed to jump out at her, and she could hear the paper calling her name. She had to touch it. - you could possibly include something about the paper 'demanding her attention' around this part? Something strong and, well, demanding.

...and into the air, pausing mid-air before... - this is probably due to me being an ocd freak, but I'm not a fan of the repetition of 'air'. Atmosphere or something might sound better?

Oh! And I noticed one little thing:

...planning it's next attack. - I think you meant 'its'.

Okay, this is mainly me being anal and whatnot so please, only take on this advice if you really want to. Anyway, this is fantastic and I hope you kick ass in your literature club!

Kota! I really loved the description in this, even if you say it's a rushed job I thought it was well done, I didn't find anything wrong with it and yeah, your description is amazing!