Sea Side - Comments

Sorry but i have done this twice and it still wont move on to the next story for a comment swap, so i dont know what else to do im sorry

~Comment swap~

Before reading: I really like your "theme" its really nice and brings out the main point of the story before you even begin. I also like how the color brings out your picture in the middle. very lovely.

After reading: So fair my only problem is this:

The ice-cold rain pelted my skin. I had run out of the house onto the dirt road. We had an awful fight. Insults were thrown. I cried. I was soaking wet. My white cloth dress clung to me.

Too many of these ( . ) and not enough of these (, ;) it should look something like this:

The ice-cold rain pelted my skin. I had run out of the house onto the dirt road, we had an awful fight; Insults were thrown, and I cried. I was soaking wet, My white cloth dress clung to me.

Something like that, I'm not an expert but that's what I would do at least.

But other than that it was good i really like it, chapters are a little short but I guess some people like that. I like your Idea of Flynn and Annie, its cute. :D

~Comment swap~

Before reading: I really like your "theme" its really nice and brings out the main point of the story before you even begin. I also like how the color brings out your picture in the middle. very lovely. The font is a little on the small side however, well for me at least. (I have glasses and its a little hard to see)

After reading: So fair my only problem is this:

The ice-cold rain pelted my skin. I had run out of the house onto the dirt road. We had an awful fight. Insults were thrown. I cried. I was soaking wet. My white cloth dress clung to me.

Too many of these ( . ) and not enough of these (, ;) it should look something like this:

The ice-cold rain pelted my skin. I had run out of the house onto the dirt road, we had an awful fight; Insults were thrown, and I cried. I was soaking wet, My white cloth dress clung to me.

Something like that, I'm not an expert but that's what I would do at least.

But other than that it was good i really like it, chapters are a little short but I guess some people like that. I like your Idea of Flynn and Annie, its cute. :D

What I like so fair: I love your description of the sea I honestly feel like I'im right there and can imagine it, and that's something since i have never been :D you have given me as a read a perfect picture of what it should be like and that's something to be proud of!

~Comment swap~

Before reading: I really like your "theme" its really nice and brings out the main point of the story before you even begin. I also like how the color brings out your picture in the middle. very lovely. The font is a little on the small side however, well for me at least. (I have glasses and its a little hard to see)

After reading: So fair my only problem is this:

The ice-cold rain pelted my skin. I had run out of the house onto the dirt road. We had an awful fight. Insults were thrown. I cried. I was soaking wet. My white cloth dress clung to me.

Too many of these ( . ) and not enough of these (, ;) it should look something like this:

The ice-cold rain pelted my skin. I had run out of the house onto the dirt road, we had an awful fight; Insults were thrown, and I cried. I was soaking wet, My white cloth dress clung to me.

Something like that, I'm not an expert but that's what I would do at least.

But other than that it was good i really like it, chapters are a little short but I guess some people like that. I like your Idea of Flynn and Annie, its cute. :D

What I like so fair: I love your description of the sea I honestly feel like I'im right there and can imagine it, and that's something since i have never been :D you have given me as a read a perfect picture of what it should be like and that's something to be proud of!

~Comment swap~

Before reading: I really like your "theme" its really nice and brings out the main point of the story before you even begin. I also like how the color brings out your picture in the middle. very lovely.

After reading: So fair my only problem is this:

The ice-cold rain pelted my skin. I had run out of the house onto the dirt road. We had an awful fight. Insults were thrown. I cried. I was soaking wet. My white cloth dress clung to me.

Too many of these ( . ) and not enough of these (, ;) it should look something like this:

The ice-cold rain pelted my skin. I had run out of the house onto the dirt road, we had an awful fight; Insults were thrown, and I cried. I was soaking wet, My white cloth dress clung to me.

Something like that, I'm not an expert but that's what I would do at least.

But other than that it was good i really like it, chapters are a little short but I guess some people like that. I like your Idea of Flynn and Annie, its cute. :D

Hello

I enjoyed the summary the reference. The title was very creative, and made sense throughout the story (many writers I've critiqued misunderstand the concept) and fount that the titles for every chapters were significant. The short chapters became very intriguing, just had to keep on reading, however, in my opinion I see them to be a little to short (again this is just an opinion).

I love the imagery, the descriptions, the characters, their very dynamic, and the dialogue just enhances everything. Phrases. Diction. Description. All of it was lovely, astounding I should say. The plot is wonderful, and I enjoy where it is going, although, it's not my kind of read, I definitely enjoyed looking over it. Wonderfully made.

Hello

I enjoyed the summary the reference. The title was very creative, and made sense throughout the story (many writers I've critiqued misunderstand the concept) and fount that the titles for every chapters were significant. The short chapters became very intriguing, just had to keep on reading, however, in my opinion I see them to be a little to short (again this is just an opinion).

I love the imagery, the descriptions, the characters, their very dynamic, and the dialogue just enhances everything. Phrases. Diction. Description. All of it was lovely, astounding I should say. The plot is wonderful, and I enjoy where it is going, although, it's not my kind of read, I definitely enjoyed looking over it. Wonderfully made.

Title/Layout/Summary:
I'm in love with it all to put it simply. i love that you have lyrics as your summary. I love the title. I love the transparency of the layout and the picture. And finally I love your titles (particularly "A Drop In The Ocean", such a good song).

First chapter:
Hmm, this is an interesting first chapter. There's not much to go by, but so far we know there was a fight and tears and rain and then reconciliation. Hopefully I'll find out the rest later. I'm interested in seeing where it goes.

Second chapter:
I love this description "Its tranquil waves engulf all. An electric blanket of liquid."
I like these sentences as well "He gave me CPR; I guess he was my first kiss in that sense. Flynn was my first in a lot of sense."

I like that you're describing how they met pretty quick in the duration of the story. That's nice.

I think I would change "give me a ride home, call my parents." to maybe "give me a ride home and call my parents". I guess it makes sense either way though.

I love the ending to this chapter "That was the beginning of everything, I think. The beginning of Flynn Corbett."

This kind of sounds like it's going to be a summer romance.

Third chapter:
"I didn't see Flynn until I was sixteen."
Just scratch my prediction then. Haha.

"A day when the radiant beach had been reduced to a pebble of darkness. This was the perfect formula to conjure Flynn Corbett."

Haha, I like where this is going. She wasn't lying about danger captivating her.

chose should be choose*

“You’re still little, no. You shouldn’t even be smoking,”
Lol. He's the same age as when he met her the first time.

That’s when I first felt the true force of Flynn Corbett.
She's falling for him. Or at least infatuated with him.

Fourth:
I'm just in love with your first paragraph. I love how you repeat "an electric blanket of liquid" again, only this time comparing Flynn to it as the sea. I also like how you compare the girl to a siren.

I wanted him to approach me first.
Don't we all? :)

I wanted to feel him, I think. So I grabbed his hands in mine. “I’m Annie,” I said, gazing into honey set eyes.
Haha, gotta love a girl who goes after what she wants.

I love the romanticized view Annie has over her and Flynn in the next section, so optimistic and full of hope.
The background of our conversation must have looked like two lovers, the quiet ocean lapping behind us.

my eyes flicking to his freckles. I had never noticed them until I had an up close view of his features. They were sprinkled chocolates among bark skin.
She's getting in deep.

They felt warm, like sea foam.
Sea foam feels warm? I didn't know that.

Fifth:
“I think I’m in love with you,” I said, my voice coming in waves, in and out. This sailor had captured the bitter seaweed heart of a siren. This was only a week after the First Car Ride.

Well this is sudden. I think she's more infatuated with Flynn than in love. It's cute to see though.
I'm falling more and more in love with your sea metaphors and similes and all your comparisons and such. They're so great.

I would suggest a comma between ocean. Feel so it's one sentence rather than two.

"abysses" can just be "abyss"

I was a nymph to the great Poseidon.
I love this girl so much. She's such daydreamer, it's again, great to read. I don't think this is going to end well for her though. I really don't.

I'm a little confused by the ending of this chapter…Maybe Annie's not human?…Hmm…

Sixth:
Oh yay, we finally meet part of her family. That's nice. I'm still in love with this girl, she's so cute.
“Sea house, you mean,” I corrected, my voice hitching at the vicious Sea. It was the constant aggressor in our life-long relationship. She was the scorned wife and I was the battered child. Her waves had tried to wreak havoc upon my lungs and very being. The Great Sea never tasted as sweet as the salty Silver Ocean.

Ah, I'm interested in seeing her next move with Flynn.
Your face claims weren't what I thought of for Flynn. That's no big deal though, they're your characters after all.

Seventh:
He’s a lifeguard, I think. Wasn't it already said he was a lifeguard? That could have changed though since it's been three years.

I add my own myth; he was swallowed whole by the sea in a great act of defiance.
She's so creative.

I'm still in love with your personification of the sea. It's really nice how it's mentioned in every chapter a few times. Ah, "touched me", like he touched her soul!

Eighth:
I see their relationship has slightly changed at this point since she's not seeing him as much.

I think "It the sunset" is meant to be "The sunset"

Your imagery is still lovely.

This was the first time my flesh collided with Flynn Corbett.
I'm noticing a sort of repetition at the end of your chapters. That's nice. It goes back to the first chapter when Annie said Flynn was a lot of her firsts. Unless I'm taking the "firsts" too seriously…

Ninth:
Yay, they're finally going on a date!

I think instead of "swum" you mean "swam".

He seemed unfazed by my act of love.
Aw. Lol.

“Why do you love me anyway, Annie? I’ve never formally asked.”
Oh man, that's such an awkward question.

“Silly, silly Flynn Corbett. I love you because you saved me from a sailor’s death. You ripped me from the Great Sea’s homicidal grip. You’re lovely, I think.”
And that's an even more awkward answer.

“Stop it,” he whispered under his breath. It was as if he believed I wouldn’t reply the same as always. I was the Silver Ocean; eternal.
I'm seriously starting to wonder if this girl is really a girl or if she's like really Aphrodite because of the whole seafoam thing (Aphrodite was said to have been born from seafoam in one of the myths). Or if she's like a mermaid just pretending to be human until a human really saves her and she can live happily ever after.

“It’s – it’s not with y – you,” he stuttered, his bark exterior finally burning.
I'm interested in how these two are really "in love" with each other…

Ah, he doesn't think love exists. That's sad.

Aw! She's going to teach him. How sweet.

Tenth:
His face muscles had contorted into a look of slight disappointment. “Will I not see you as much?”
Aw, he's going to miss her! Their relationship has expanded. Yay.

He was simply the man who bore me in the ocean and sent me off my Moses journey.
Well then.

I'd consider putting this next part in italics so it's easy to differentiate from the rest of the story since it's flashback.
“You look just like him. All gingery and pale,” Mother said, stroking my hair. Her gentle pats always calmed me. “He was a sailor. Died at sea.”

It was a testament of love. Allowing me to pollute him with cancer as well.


For a man who never loved a siren, he was interested in this monster. It was love.
Ah, hmm…

Eleventh:
the sand appearing white under a luminous blanket of dead stars.
I love this line.

There she goes with her siren comparisons.

“Isn’t that amazing? They stopped vibrating with light, but there they are. Radiant,”
She's such a deep thinker. I'd quote the rest of that paragraph, but I won't and I'll say more instead. I love the stars. I love how you talk about the stars then bring it back to the sea.

But then, looking towards the Silver Ocean, I saw the doppelganger of Flynn Corbett.
Oh my gosh, a doppleganger!? That's so crazy.

Overall:
I've mentioned this before but I'm going to say it again. I love how you personify the sea and how that seems to be the biggest main character of the story. Everything you say goes right back to the sea, even the "main" characters are described as sirens and sailors and gods. That's all lovely. Your writing style is very nice. I like it a lot.

I hope my comment is okay. I know I kind of quoted a lot...

Hey, I am here to comment swap with you.
My story was: http://www.mibba.com/Stories/Read/553467/When-the-Going-Gets-Tough/

For starters; I am truly in love with your lay-out. Did you make it yourself?!
And I do love Florence + the machine so you got me before I even started on your story haha.
The first chapter is short but it really draws you in so the lenght does not really matter.
Your sentences in the second chapter flow as if they are real waves. Good writing, very good writing.

And I love the sentence: "That’s when I first felt the true force of Flynn Corbett."
I think I will keep reading this! its lovely!

oh my goodness, i just managed to stumble upon this & it's absolutely intoxicating. i love the layout, by the way. it's so beautiful to look at & really, i can't stop fangirling about it. your descriptions are fantastic & i seriously adore the short sentences as well as the way you ease this into a first person p.o.v. the first chapter, in all honesty, was so simple & short that i was craving more. thankfully you have more than one chap up or i'd have been strangling you to update again.

i've never really read anything much like this so i'm glad there's a first for everything! keep up the good work!

holy frickin frick this is so frickin good. jesus christ i hadnt expected this. what the hell. its so good. frick.

I love your description of the sea, especially Its tranquil waves engulf all. An electric blanket of liquid.

I really like the aura of this story? If you know what I mean by aura. The mood is somehow really nostalgic with this overlapping feeling of being on an empty beach. Your descriptions are always so magical---comparing them to sirens and sailors, gods and goddesses, and most of all, the sea.

I love Annie's voice a lot. She seems a little unsure, a little wavering, because her narration includes "I think" a lot. If I were Flynn though, I would also doubt her love too, since it seems like she doesn't know him as well as she should. I feel so bad for Annie when Flynn is being distant-ish though. You write really well!

I love this. I can feel the aura of the sea and picture it and even smell it. You make great comparisons with them and my favorite describe is when you describe it as a goddess.

Your chapters are short but there is so much detail and emotion. They work well this way and the endings leave the readers wanting more.

I like what's going on with Annie and Flynn. Annie is such a normal teenager but odd at the same time. It's actually rather refreshing to see. The way you describe her love for Flynn is compelling and it makes the story so much cuter!

I'm subscribing. I definitely can't wait to see what else you have in store! :)

This was tremendously marvelous. The way you describe the sea as a Goddess is entirely compelling. You break the barriers of sea and story, making an intense impact on those that have read this story. You give the sea life in this piece. The way you describe it, I can feel the water rush over me and consume my very being before being ripped from its grasp and being flung into Annie's strange affiliation with Flynn.

Annie is every thing I see in a water goddess. She is powerful in her ways, and yet consequently odd. She is the perfect mixture of normal teenager and rare gift brought to this earth to forever be at the beck and call of the sea. Her love for Flynn is rare and quite the oddity, unless you can see where she is coming from.

The layout creates a peaceful getaway that the story so desires. Everything about this piece shouts beauty and love and the ocean. I quite love it. It's such a short story, but the beauty and pull in your words is what make it such an inspiring piece.

I too plead as a silent reader, but this is awesome!

I am, in fact, guilty of being a silent reader, but this is lovely. It's a quick read but oh so lovely. ♡

I like that the chapters are short, but they say everything that needs to be said with such power. I love the comparisons you make with the sea, and the interaction between Flynn and Annie. Annie's kind of odd, but in a good way that makes her interesting. I look forward to more updates!

This is truly beautiful. I can feel the atmosphere of the sea in this piece, and the emotion you put into every word is astounding. The chapters are short but they still pack a hell of a punch, and I commend you for that. I can't wait to read more