His Blood Filled Kiss - Comments

I’m here to judge for ‘Self-Insert Contest’.

I just finished reading the sequel, of sorts, to this for another contest so it was definitely interesting to read this one with Immortal Kiss fresh in my mind—especially in the POV of the cold and manipulative Christian. It gave me a different insight into why Christian is the way he is in Immortal Kiss, I think.

The content itself was actually heartbreaking, for him to be so in love and to lose her when he thought he was about to have her forever. I even kind of liked how neither of them knew why it didn’t work. Though, I did wonder why Christian hadn’t changed her before the cancer? Unless he met her when she already had it and she had this idea of dying as a human first. Or he was turned first. I’m not sure where in the timeline this happens.

However, in chapter one, you switched to Marian suddenly and it took me a moment to realize that you were talking about the same character—mostly because her name is oddly similar to his wife’s. You wrote ‘Maria’ at first, but then it became ‘Marian’ and it was confusing for a moment until I kept reading and realized. If it was a nickname that he called Marian, it would have been better to use it in dialogue rather than the narrative. I think most of my confusion came from the fact that her name was very, very similar to Myrian. I thought you had misspelled it in the line The pain was even more unbearable for a witch but Marian was my right hand and we were friends for life. until I kept reading the paragraph. Perhaps you should either change Myrian’s name to not be so close to Marian or have Christian refer to her as Maria in dialogue, but Marian in the narrative.

Other than that, I thought you did a good job. You set a sorrowful tone that complemented the heartbreak at the end of chapter two very well, and it was nice to see a vampire with actual emotions.

Here for the judging of the Mibba Month Self-Insert Contest!

This is honestly quite heartbreaking - to know that he is without love for an eternity. I think you do an excellent job of setting that up; creating the mood while keeping the flow of the story going. Which, by the way, is one of the things that you did best here. Your writing has a sense of sophistication and almost regality that I very much so appreciate. It feels intelligent, and it truly is. The fantasy aspects aren't necessarily developed or explained in detail, but it's definitely something that can be understood, even by someone like me who generally abhors fantasy.

Overall, good work!

I'm here judging the entries for the A Huge Song-Fic Contest!

This entire scene reminded me of Twilight, but you've written it much better than Meyer did. I don't know why, but the way you write it makes it seem more...mature. It makes more sense than it did in the Twilight books. You've got a lovely writing style that makes everything really easy to read too, so it doesn't feel like a chore. It's almost like playing back a memory in your head or watching a video. It has that kind of effect.

Honestly, I wasn't expecting the ending. It was actually really interesting to see the dynamic of the relationship, especially since it isn't a relationship I've seen on here so often in terms of species. I really liked that he was heartbroken, as horrible as that sounds. I don't read enough stories about vampires on here to judge, but the ones that I have read seem to have them as these soulless beings with no regard for the human race. Reading about his wife and how much he loved her was a breath of fresh air, it really was.

As far as concrit goes, I did notice two errors:

Her bright eyes were closed, as smoke was filling her lungs through the spell casted by Maria - casted should be cast and you could probably omit the comma from that part of the sentence.

pain till my wife was dead bit I saw her biting her lip for a moment - bit should be but.

Aside from that, everything was in order. Great job!

This is amazing. And while I thought there was no way to get into Christian's mind, you went ahead and created this. You are the best!!!