I’m here as the new judge for the ‘Pre-Writes #2’ contest.
I’m really interested in the concept of this. The fact that it’s written in the perspective of criminals rather than undercover cops or something really caught my attention immediately. You start out with a strong sense of purpose, which I really appreciated. I also really like the dynamic and trust between Nola and Jason. It made the story even more enjoyable because they work really well together. I love Nola as a character on her own because she’s a badass.
I’m really invested into Nola and Jason’s relationship, especially after chapter seven. I actually thought that how they met and developed a relationship was really interesting. The way you rewound back to that specific moment right on the cliffhanger of Jason getting shot was a great technique because it felt like Nola flashing back to all those important moments with Jason at the very beginning, but it also created a tension within the narrative because I needed to know what happened to Jason. I’m actually so disappointed that you never continued/finished the story. And with that chapter, you also added depth not only to their relationship but to Nola as a character. Her parents dying helped me understand her motives and why she’s become the woman she is now.
However, you had a lot of errors. Most of them were in your dialogue tags, but you also had a tendency to use the wrong they’re/their/there and the wrong your/you’re at points. These mistakes immediately break the flow because they’re extremely distracting. Like, for example, in chapter six:
"Sorry for their rudeness, their only doing what their getting paid to do" — Both bolded parts of the sentence should be ‘they’re’ instead of ‘their’. ‘Their’ is possessive whereas you’re talking about the contraction of ‘they are’, which is ‘they’re’.
And as for dialogue tags, you don’t really end any of your sentences written in dialogue with even periods which would be better than having absolutely no punctuation. For example (and this also highlights the you’re/your error that’s been kind of reoccurring throughout):
"Your in no position to make threats[,]" he says through the laughter. — The bolded ‘your’ should be ‘you’re’ since much like their/they’re, ‘your’ is possessive whereas ‘you’re’ in the contraction of ‘you are’. And regarding the added comma, since it’s a dialogue tag, it needs to be there. If the dialogue is followed by an action, it should be a period. Like in this line: "I thought we had a deal you and I" the man, maybe a little older than my parents takes a seat on their bed. — You have a lack of punctuation but to make it proper, there should be a period. So it should be “I thought we had a deal, you and I.” The man, maybe a little older than my parents, takes a seat on their bed. Whereas the sentence above should be more like, “You’re in no position to make threats,” he says through the laughter.
I hope all of that made sense. Sorry if not!
But other than that, I think this is a really promising story! Good job!
I’m really interested in the concept of this. The fact that it’s written in the perspective of criminals rather than undercover cops or something really caught my attention immediately. You start out with a strong sense of purpose, which I really appreciated. I also really like the dynamic and trust between Nola and Jason. It made the story even more enjoyable because they work really well together. I love Nola as a character on her own because she’s a badass.
I’m really invested into Nola and Jason’s relationship, especially after chapter seven. I actually thought that how they met and developed a relationship was really interesting. The way you rewound back to that specific moment right on the cliffhanger of Jason getting shot was a great technique because it felt like Nola flashing back to all those important moments with Jason at the very beginning, but it also created a tension within the narrative because I needed to know what happened to Jason. I’m actually so disappointed that you never continued/finished the story. And with that chapter, you also added depth not only to their relationship but to Nola as a character. Her parents dying helped me understand her motives and why she’s become the woman she is now.
However, you had a lot of errors. Most of them were in your dialogue tags, but you also had a tendency to use the wrong they’re/their/there and the wrong your/you’re at points. These mistakes immediately break the flow because they’re extremely distracting. Like, for example, in chapter six:
"Sorry for their rudeness, their only doing what their getting paid to do" — Both bolded parts of the sentence should be ‘they’re’ instead of ‘their’. ‘Their’ is possessive whereas you’re talking about the contraction of ‘they are’, which is ‘they’re’.
And as for dialogue tags, you don’t really end any of your sentences written in dialogue with even periods which would be better than having absolutely no punctuation. For example (and this also highlights the you’re/your error that’s been kind of reoccurring throughout):
"Your in no position to make threats[,]" he says through the laughter. — The bolded ‘your’ should be ‘you’re’ since much like their/they’re, ‘your’ is possessive whereas ‘you’re’ in the contraction of ‘you are’. And regarding the added comma, since it’s a dialogue tag, it needs to be there. If the dialogue is followed by an action, it should be a period. Like in this line: "I thought we had a deal you and I" the man, maybe a little older than my parents takes a seat on their bed. — You have a lack of punctuation but to make it proper, there should be a period. So it should be “I thought we had a deal, you and I.” The man, maybe a little older than my parents, takes a seat on their bed. Whereas the sentence above should be more like, “You’re in no position to make threats,” he says through the laughter.
I hope all of that made sense. Sorry if not!
But other than that, I think this is a really promising story! Good job!