Diamonds and Nicotine - Comments

Overall, this is a very well-rounded story. Your characters are very well developed and each have noticeably distinct differences. The storyline moved rather slowly and there were times where I wondered what was the main focus of this story, but it did work itself out nicely. It was like a combination of "Mission Impossible" and Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code.

There were only a few things that stood out to me in terms of needing constructive criticism. In part 1, you used the word "sharp" five times - twice even in the same sentence. Although there is nothing wrong with that, it stood out and contradicted your otherwise monolithic vocabulary. There were also two times in part 3 where you repeated the same phrase in the same area, such as "take care of" and "as ever."

"Even the one supposed specialist he had hired to take care of some less-than elegant affairs he had on his plate he needed to be taken care of." It reads awkwardly because of the repetitive point that something needs to be taken care of.

"Vivienne Valerio made her unexpected and rather unwelcome entry onto the balcony, looking proud as ever. She was primly dressed, as ever, in her severely sharp looking dress suits that could cut the tension she influenced just by stepping into the room." I would find a synonym for the phrase "as ever." Having two of them close like that makes the writing less mature.

I do have a concern about the layout of the writing. There are some new paragraphs and lack thereof that makes everything look awkwardly blocked. Every time there is new action or a new character speaks there should be a new paragraph started, but what I see here is a lot of new lines squished together.

My final recommendation is in terms of the physical attributes of your characters. Although their personalities are on point, I feel like who I am envisioning in my mind varies greatly from how you created them. For instance, I had no idea Noir was Asian until you mentioned that in part 3. It made me realize that I really had no idea how to physically picture these characters.

So these are just some of the thoughts I had while reading this. I do think that it is a wonderful story and beautifully written. Sorry if this is a lot. I saw in one of your author's notes that you appreciate constructive criticism, so I took that as the go ahead to lay it all out. I like what you have for this story and definitely see its positive progression moving forward. You write with a very professional tone.

I like how you started with decribing Paris. I've been and I think you are right. The city blooms at night. Some sentences are very long and I find myself losing the intention of the sentence midway. Maybe try breaking them up a bit sometimes. I'm not sure what my opinion is on the way you introduce the main character. It seems like the reader is a bystander, and not really in the story. Some parts I really like it, others I do not feel as part of the story and i'm not as drawn in as I'd like.

Your descriptions are amazing and you have a very brought vocabulary it seems. Keep that up, writing is like painting; the readers must see what you do.

So I was reading the first chapter and in the 4th paragraph you use queue, when you should use cue. The meanings are completely different. Just thought you should know that. Sometimes it helps to have someone else read what you have so they can catch those types of errors, which is important. It can throw off a readers attention to the story. Other than that. It's well written, it seems to flow nicely. And is detailed. I like it! Keep up the good work!

I only read the first chapter, and it was good, don't get me wrong, but I just couldn't find it in me to click on to the next chapter. I definitely like how you introduced the character though, I can definitely tell there is more to her than meets the eye. I even like the entrance of Valerio, that really did have some style to it.

I do think that the plot line is interesting, I do, it just doesn't interest me enough. I hope that doesn't offend you. Good luck with the rest of it.

YOU'VE RETURNED AGAIN.
Okay, Noir. Just get the job done and get the hell out of dodge, but--live cargo? o.O Say what??

YOU'VE RETURNED AGAIN.
Okay, Noir. Just get the job done and get the hell out of dodge, but--live cargo? o.O Say what??

OH MY GOD. IS THIS REAL LIFE! :D YOU'RE ALIVE AND YOU UPDATED!
Gosh, I love how you write Yunho. Such a nonchalant badass who demands business, none the less. K just as much as a badass. I don't move that fast after being up for an hour...let alone two seconds. Seriously, missed this story.

Bahhhh! We're now where I haven't read and I'm like because I have no idea what's going to happen now! So what does Noir have all planned and was she scoping out LeBlanc before she worked for Vivienne? Hmm...a twist I'll be trying to figure out!

Ugh, what I wouldn't give to have that tango with Ace. I just love the way you describe their movements and how finely detailed it all is. I really want to know what Ace is up to and how Noir plans to get out of it. I'm sure she will; she is a total boss after all, but Ace has got her hooked in. Douchy McDouche A lot strikes again.

I say this like in every comment, but I love Ace so much. Such a douchy McDouche a lot, but hey that's just how he was created to be.

Yea, uh-huh. I really, really, truly sincerely hate this Valerio. She's so impatient!! And not to mention manipulative!! And she has a major cigarette problem; in the span of two chapters, assuming like an hour span?? she has had FOUR sticks!! How is this woman alive?! Keep on smoking, woman...keep it up. And get hit by a bus.
And it totally gets me so heated to know how Valerio seems to have won when Noir gave in and agreed to her proposal. That stupid smile....nope. No. This chick needs to go.

I'm really concerned about this Blue Rings business. It's a toxin that's super deadly, right? Is Noir gonna die?!?! But she can't die, she still has to fight in that abandoned factory place with Yunho!!!
Oops, SPOILER ALERT for those who don’t know about that…anyways.

I sincerely hope that Noir knows what she’s doing. Like I am secretly hoping that this was all her plan and she has everything under control and that she’s not actually poisoned and that she will get back at Valerio in her cool fashion. Please???

Alright, so finally I got to reading it, and I just started...

Dang, I kinda wish you had a layout for this, because I think it will only make things better. Really, the default doesn't do it justice.
I definitely like the cool summary with the little rhyme with the diamonds and knives things you did...

Did you name this Diamonds and Nicotine because of, oh I don't know, SOMEONE might be wee-bit addicted to the smoke sticks?? Seriously, the woman smokes like a friggin' chimney, like come on.
Now why the heck did Noir get herself caught?? I don't like it...but then again it feels like she planned this little thing. Like I feel like she is way smarter than she is acting and letting this Valerio character think. I don't know, my guess. But I can say with certainty, I really, really, really dislike Vivienne Valerio. Like I want to punch her, grrrr....

I really want Noir to tell her to eat ducks or something to her stupid "Business Proposal" but I have a feeling Noir is plotting something....guh, the suspense!!
Alright, alright!! I'll keep reading; I'll let you know how I like it!!

But yea...I didn't catch any grammar or spelling mistakes, so the only constructive thing I would say is the layout.

Good read! Keep up the good work!!

I'm really wanting to know if Ace is just going to whack LeBlanc a good one when this is all over. Because I'd really like that. Him and Vivian just need to get...extinguished.

Noir keeps her composure so well, like a badass. I just realized how much Vivian smokes . She's such a bitch though. Let me strangle her. -.- Cannot wait until the next chapter!

I just love how you wrote "Ace". He's so arrogant and its too perfect!! He really works hard to get on people's nerves just as he always does. Kekeke

Absolutely love Noir and her indifference to the whole situation. *cackles* The way you planned this all through is just so well done and smooth. Can't wait for the next update! ;)

This had me captivated from the start. I love things like this, with criminals and the gambling with life. There's something that draws me in when two equally strong female characters play a game like this, one that involves power, control and life or death. Your description further illuminates the situation and compelled me to read on, eager to know what Noir's game was and how exactly Valerio fitted in with it all. Then the game changes when she injects Noir with the toxin and it appears that Valerio has the power now, the chip to barter with...but Noir doesn't seem to allow that to happen.

From start to finish, I was keen to find out what Noir was up to, what she was doing and why she allowed herself to get caught. However, the ending did not give me the answer that I wanted, but it did tell me that despite Valerio thinking she had the control, somehow Noir retained it throughout the end, even as she was suffering from the toxin. She kept the power, despite agreeing to the proposal because I can only but assume that the proposal is something that she would benefit from more than Valerio would, and that it's something that she might actually have planned for and instead of being too front the entire time, she had to appear to have given in or even have allowed the power to transfer over to Valerio in order for it to work.

Now I might just be theorising too much. Haha. I really enjoyed reading that and do hope that there's more to it, but if it remains at just a oneshot, it stands to be a brilliant one.