Hellish - Comments

@ Innocently Naughty
I'm not sure... owo I didn't any new comments of any. owo

@ Salya
I forgot did I read your story yet?

PROLOGUE

Alright! I'm on to a fresh start with this story! C:

Thoughts:

The story really got me very much interested in what happened with Zylphia. Something happened that one day way back in May (I believe) that caused so much corruption to happen to this family. It's getting me on the edge of my seat of wanting to find the reason for what went on that day. I can't wait to read more!!

Spelling/Grammar Check:

1st Mistake: The 1st sentence is a bit choppy that I can help you fix up with. Instead of what is shown now, put-- 'I'm running in the dark with the thunder roaring over my head and the mist trailing beneath my feet.' Because you are combining different tenses that make it sound a bit confusing. But nothing biggy c:

2nd Mistake: In the second sentence, instead of '...until I make it to a church and I run inside...' go to doing 'until I make it to a church and run inside...' Just get rid of the 'I' after 'and' that's all c:

3rd Mistake: The second paragraph where the part of the sentence goes '...my sister has hated me and my memory only goes back to May...' should be this '...my sister has hated me. My memory only goes back to May...' Just separating the sentence apart a bit, that's all :)

4th Mistake: The sentence in the chapter that goes 'I was like they were trying...' should be 'It was like they were trying...' I'm guessing the 'I' was suppose to be an 'It'.

5th Mistake: Where the sentence goes '...old house back in Pittsburgh which I never got to go to as soon as...' it should be '...old house back in Pittsburgh which I never got to go to because as soon as...' Just a one-word add-on to make a difference c:

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Just remember that I note these 'mistakes' out just because I want to help get you better with the writing ^_^ You are a talented writer though! :D

Can't wait to read more!

@ Innocently Naughty
It's fine. ^_^ Oh it's really ok. In fact, with my problem with 1st person, I find your story interesting to read. I really hope to read more. =3

@ Salya
Um well I can't really remember, but the link should be on them when you click to see them. Sorry I'm only really good at first person.

Comment Swap.
I really wanna know what that huge wolf dog. owo and learn why she can't remember things. lol Sadly it was hard to read since I can't really read first person stories but still. I hope to read more.
One more thing, where do you find your pics?

@ OMGzgirl
THANKS working on it

Comment swap introduced me to your story. I'm enjoying your story. It's mysterious and has a creepy feel to it. The layout goes with it so I say don't worry about it. I wish the when the sisters talked to each other that had more dialogue than the simple "You're a freak" thing. Grammar can be a little bit better. But I'm definitely subscribing to this. Hope to see you update it soon also!

Comment Swap!

Summary - Intriguing start, but the sentence was a tad long. I kind of got lost while reading it so I had to read it again.

Prologue - Well, this is a off to a good start. It's interesting and makes the reader wonder what happened. I did notice some things though. The tenses are getting mixed up. It's understandable why it's in present in the very beginning but after that it switches around a few times. Also, when you're not using a question mark or exclamation point to end dialogue, there needs to be a comma. So instead of

"Hi" I said.

It's

"Hi," I said.

Ch. 1 - The paragraph in which you describe Zylphia's days at school and the cheer leading squad is a little run-on-y. Also, some words are missing apostrophes line in, "I never told anyone about my parents strange behavior." Many sentences throughout the chapter are missing periods as well.

Mysterious ending. I wonder if Zylphia is starting to see things?

Ch. 2 - Party cake ice cream sandwiches are the bomb.com. Anyway, easy going chapter. It's nice to see how Zylphia is now :)

Overall - This is a great idea and it really is off to a good start. Just a few edits here and there and it'll be perfect :)

@ floral bruises
Thank you for the comment, I've always written in first person POV and actually I'm trying to learn how to write in third person, but it just never sounds right when I do it unless its like only for the summary.

Also I'd been thinking so hard about the three genre's for my story I picked Romance and Horror and I was stuck between mystery and fantasy for the last genre but not once did I even think of it as a thriller and you may have just solved my genre problem, thank you.

@ Alex Moore.
Thank you, Zona and Zylphia's names are both Victorian as well as their last name but I think Halloway is a little more common to hear. I originally looked up their names for a Wicked Lovely Fan Fiction I was going to do, but I changed my mind.

As for rather the Yorkie is what was chasing her or not, well if you stick around you'll find out.

@ Death The Angel
Thank you I will work on those points I didn't know about the link thing, way back when I joined to my understanding it was OK so I didn't know that changed, but I'll fix that soon.

ooh, the title of this story is pretty interesting & def pulls in a reader. i absolutely love reading p.o.v (i've recently been getting into writing it myself but work in progress) & i think you do a fabulous job in writing from this perspective. the beginning part was a flashback right? i like mysterious thrillers like this, i just love the guessing game that i can play.

the characters you've developed in just the first chapter is amazing & it takes a lot to actually do that so kudos to you! good job on this!

Hey, COMMENT SWAP:
I think this story is very mysterious, you give away just enough in your introduction and then start off very mysterious. Well... the sisters have a good relationship, this goes way beyong the normal bickering, makes me wonder what made it this way.

The names you picked for the two sisters are exotic like their looks and go very well together. I would have never come up with names like that.

I chuckled a bit inside when I read the dog chasing her was a yorkshire terrier.. or was it? BTW, nice touch introducing a character just at the end of the chapter.

Overall I really like this story and I am curious to its next chapter!

Layout/Summary:
The layout colours kind of hurt my eyes to be honest, the white on dark background made it hard to read but otherwise I love the background picture and the airiness it provocts.
The summary is interesting but I think it could be abbrevated slightly to add more of a mystery to Zylphia, of course that's totally up to you, that's just my opinion.

Prologue:
-Constructive Critism-
I'm running in the dark, thunder roaring overhead as the mist trailed my feet. I don't know why I'm running or what I'm running from but I don't stop,
For some reason it doesn't flow right to me, maybe try: I'm running in the dark, thunder roared over my head and the mist trailed at my feet. It flows more nicely that way.

If I tell her to set the table then I'm not the boss of her and she hates me, if I set the table myself then I'm making her look bad and she still hates me.
I think you're missing a bit of the sentence from this part, perhaps: If I tell her to set the table then she tells me "I'm not the boss of her and she hates me", however if I set the table myself then I'm making her look bad and she still hates me.

Ahh just letting you know that tagging within the story is not allowed, if you want the reader to know what Zona or Zylphia looks like than put the tag into the authors note for the reader to click. :)

The last piece of advice I can give you is grammar, when it comes to finishing off dialogue don't forget to add appropriate commas at the end, for example:
"Well I won't bother asking you what your plans are then," I sigh

Just finished reading the rest of this prologue, I think it's more of a first chapter rather than a prologue, that's just my thoughts though and it doesn't really matter either way.

-Plot-
I really like the direction this is going in, I'm curious about what happened to Zylphia and her family have gone through, especially since it's made Zona hate her sister so much. I think you have a teriffic with lots of potential.

Chapter One:
-Concrit-
She yelled like drill sergeant. should be a drill sergeant.

Don't forget links within the story are a no no (that's what the character panel is for!)

-Plot-
Ah tha'ts so cool that she's a cheerleader, that's so unusual but I love that detail, it's unique. Again I'm loving where this is going, it has some really nice moments, what you have here is a good story.

Overall:
If you just fix up the few things I've pointed out then this story would be above amazing, so far it had a really good plot, a unique twist to it, a likable main character and all that inbetween. You just need to be more aware of your grammar and sentence flow!