The Defining Moment - Comments

@ house of cards.
Thank you so so much for the feedback! It means a lot to me, and it's highly possible that I misspelled it and completely looked over that error.

I am glad you enjoyed the story! :)

Hello! I'm also here as a judge for the LGTB Pride contest!

Content

The first thing that struck me was the tense you chose to put this in. I literally cannot write in present tense to save my life, so I was really excited when I saw that you were pulling it off wonderfully! I think it's a testament to a good writer to be able to pull off present tense, so good job! In terms of the story itself, I actually thought it was really interesting. The bit at the beginning about long-distance relationships really hit home for me because I've been that person in the past who was all "are you sure this is a good idea?" and it always makes me feel bad when I see stuff like that because it does just seem really shallow and dismissive of the person. This shows the other side of that coin, shows the person who is being hurt by those comments and as someone who hasn't seen the other side of that, it's interesting to read about. Again, the same applies to the end of the conversation. Although I'm not LGTB myself, I have plenty of friends who identify under that acronym and I've witnessed them being thrown some nasty insults over the years and I get annoyed at it so I can't imagine how it feels for the person. This kind of shows that off and although I agree with Airi. a little bit about the end lacking emotion, you can still imagine the anger and hurt that Raegen is feeling after those comments, especially since you did a wonderful job of portraying that at the beginning.

Concrit

Aside from what Airi. said, the only thing I noticed was the spelling of desert. I don't know if this is a US English versus UK English (I do apologise if it is) thing but is it not spelled dessert?. Honestly, that's the only other thing I noticed whilst reading.

Overall

This is a really enlightening piece, to me at least. I like that it's femmeslash - like Airi. said, it is a really under-appreciated area of romance - and I like that you pulled it off wonderfully. Great job!

@ Airi.
Thank you so much! I do plan on making the story longer, but it would not have been done in time for the contest, so I can see how the ending was interpreted that way. I did struggle with the ending of the first chapter. I hope that you will keep on reading, because this is a story that I believe I will be proud of.

Your comments made me smile, and I'm a writer who is always looking to improve, so the constructive feedback from you was wonderful and I'm so glad you gave it to me!

I'm also very glad you enjoyed my story! :)

Hello~ I'm a judge from the Magazine's LGBT Pride contest.

This story actually connected with my emotions from the get-go when I read the summary. I guess as someone experiencing a long distance relationship of their own and understanding the struggles and effort that must go into one to maintain it, I felt an emotional connection to the characters and the story as a whole. Long distance relationships don't seem to be a very common occurrence in stories (or perhaps I just don't read enough romance on Mibba) and even when they are mentioned, it's often done unrealistically.

However, at the end of the story, I did feel like there was a lost connection with the character's emotions. The dialogue towards the end of the story sounded very choppy to me and it didn't touch the characters' emotions too much or how they really felt during the time. The times when their emotions/reactions are mentioned appear very sparse. My advice would be to work a bit more on incorporating your characters' emotions more into the parts of the story where there is dialogue so it flows a bit better.

With that said, I did like the story. The phrases at the beginning that people were telling Raegan are far too true for many long distance couples. v.v It's always quite sad to see the ignorance people can have with long distance relationships but I'm happy to see that you included it because it makes their relationship feel more real and relateable. I also really liked that you did femmeslash. Most of the entries were slash and femmeslash is such an underrated and unloved couple typing that it was very nice to see a femmeslash story entered into the contest.

Overall, your story was a good read and even with the dialogue at the end, it did contain a lot of emotion and heart that anyone can relate to. You did very well on the story.