Stay With Me - Comments

Your writing style made this story an absolute pleasure to read. I felt like I was right next to Daisy, trapped in all of the chaos and destruction. You set such an emotional scene and your characters were so compelling that the story just demanded to be read. I felt like I needed to know what was going on with Daisy and where exactly she was running to and what she was going to do when she got there. I couldn't believe it when Robert just left her for dead, not caring about leaving her all alone in her last moments. I understand that he didn't want to die, but that was just harsh.

This was absolutely amazingly written. Your writing style is so captivating I love it.

I will never get over how amazing your descriptions are. Just. Oh wow, this was amazing and I love the world you created. As always, you gave me a clear picture of everything, how dark and intense the atmosphere was and how it most certainly not a happy place. Already from the first paragraph you can just feel how scary and hopeless the situation was, especially in that last sentence of the paragraph.

I like how you showed Daisy and Robert's relationship through their actions and thoughts, like how they held hands to stay together and her observation of his tangled hair. I don't know, I just really liked that part because just that little detail of her trying to fix his hair showed how she cared for him and how close they were.

But oh god when they started running and all that shit, I kept leaning in closer to the screen because it's so terrifying and chaotic. I seriously wanted to scream with her because whatever's going on is bad, it's all bad and I just want them to run away and escape all the horror. RUN GUYS, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES.

THEY SHOT A CHILD. And reading that he was calling out for his mother made me lose it because at seeing a young child get shot shows how awful and ruthless these people are. WHY WOULD YOU SHOOT A CHILD HOW COULD YOU, OH LORD.

AND THEN DAISY GETS SHOT AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF AT THIS POINT. LIKE NO, WHY. THIS IS HURTING ME SO BAD. IT'S ALMOST LIKE I GOT SHOT.

“What can I do?” This line broke my heart. That hurt a lot because Robert's panicking and knows that no matter what he does, he can't really save her and she knows she's not going to last, so the only thing she asks is for him to stay. And as much as he wishes he could stay with her, he knows he can't and it's so tragic because he doesn't want to die and to be honest, I also feel like he doesn't want to die in front of her. I feel he wants to keep going because that's what she would want, so he tries to stay alive for the both of them.

BUT THEN HE GETS SHOT, TOO. MORE HURT. WELL, THERE GOES MY HEART. GOODBYE FRIENDS. Though she's not really sure because she's slowly slipping away and she doesn't want to think it's him, but deep down inside knows it is. I had a feeling this was going to happen. As I stated before, you portrayed this whole situation as dark and hopeless, so something bad was definitely going to go down. I WAS STILL NOT READY.

This blew me away, seriously. I loved it and it was beautiful like everything you do.

Good lord, that imagery. To take a powerful word from your prose---it was raw. It was gritty, very much an adrenaline high, and scary as hell. Stylistically speaking for the flow, I think you could break up the first paragraph because it is quite a lot of description but that's just me being nitpicky.

Also, during the part where it says "Daisy," a hand. . . it'd be appropriate to put "Daisy." A hand. . . I really do like the progression / flow of the action though. The sequence of events is very close to how it would be in an action movie, in my opinion. The atmosphere of the universe that the characters exist in reminds me of such a desolate, scary place because of how you described Daisy's canvas shoes. To me, that was more frightening than the bombs that they managed to avoid. Not sure why entirely. Maybe because being on the run sounds heart attack inducing. That was also some very vital imagery; subtle but effective.

Then there's Robert, urging her to hurry and there's something totally wrong going on and the sense of urgency makes everything even more hectic. It's not easy to write about such a chaotic setting but you managed to focus on the important parts of it without it seeming too linear, despite the characters having to go from Point A to B as quickly as possible.

The emotions of the other people besides the main characters was pretty jarring as well---capturing the varying emotions of the children and families. Tragically poignant. It didn't even feel like you wrote it in Daisy's perspective; I mean this not in a bad way because of how the situations of the others were explained in different points within the story.

Then, as she's taking her last breath she tries to get him to stay with her. Such a cliché line not made into a cliché because it turns out he likely won't survive either. But she's not entirely sure due to her losing consciousness, I believe, as he's the one with "blood dripping from his chest." That gave me a bit of a Bonnie and Clyde feel in terms of how gruesome their deaths were portrayed, so sudden, which highlights the fragility of human life.

I hope I made some sense because I'm typing this and rambling and haven't done much "concrit" in a very long time.