July 4th, 2017 at 08:56am
Thank you for writing this so quickly!
I really liked this piece, I think you set out to create something really adorable and you did exactly that. I thought that what you did was really clever and nice. I liked your choice of title, I think it truly captured the essence of what you were writing and I'm so happy with the title. I think the title entices the reader without it giving anything away, but in a good way. All i could think was, what is this going to be about? And I loved it because I was pleased.
I think where this faltered a little was the fact that I felt the inspiration behind the picture was lost a little. I think you did a good job, but you could have done a great job. I think what I thought was missing a little was the intensity that is brought through the picture. However, I do respect the creative risk you too by making the story much lighter and carefree. I also think you chose something that maybe required a little more back story than 250 words lets you explore.
I loved that you made a moving layout, super awesome. I think you set out to create a really cute and adorable piece that was nice to read. I believed their connection and I was happy that you ended it with them kissing. I think that really ended it nicely and it made me smile. I also LOVE the names you chose because it complimented them really nicely. The names worked out together, and I love how you used their differences as a connecting point for them in their relationship.
Overall, I was impressed.
I have such a soft spot for mermaid stories! I also especially love that this is between girls so, so much. Like here, you can have my heart, just please let me continue reading this. I love the dynamic between Hazel and Srikra, especially since you went all the way to the beginning in the second chapter. Reading about Hazel explaining human tendencies and bodies was so hilarious, and I love how Srikra called them ‘bowls’ instead of ‘boats’. The childlike curiosity in the both of them was so endearing, and it actually added some more beauty to the first chapter.
I also really appreciated how simplistic your writing was. You had a really cohesive flow, but you didn’t go over the top with descriptions either. You gave me enough detail to paint the picture but still continued to be straightforward. I really liked it a lot. Great job!