July 11th, 2017 at 09:14am
You always come up with such unique plot lines and I love it. You're so original so I just love reading your stuff. I also know that I won't be disappointed with reading your work. You always take me on some kind of journey and I love it. You also have impeccable grammar and spelling, I could not find one error in this story.
I think the introduction to the story just needed a little more. I found myself a little confused after reading the very first paragraph. I wasn't entirely sure where the story was going, but then the second paragraph was genius. Just I think the intro needed a little more tweaking.
I just loved this story. It was so wonderfully done and I could read it a million times over and I'd just love it more and more each time!
I love, love, love the concept of this. It’s so interesting to have two people that know each other, love each other, but in different timelines. It’s very nearly like a Romeo and Juliet type of situation with a more sci-fi kind of vibe! I’m definitely digging both of the characters with the little bit of description that I got. I mean, Esta is rocking tattoos and Cass is pop-punk. I’m loving it. I do wish there had been more content because the whole technology and their dynamic is so interesting.
However, you tend to use an excessive amount of commas, which creates this really awkward kind of flow in the prose because of the out-of-place pauses in the sentences. In your case, most of the time, it wasn’t a matter of needing to replace the comma with something else but rather you didn’t actually need any punctuation in that moment. Like, for example:
The first time I met her, was the hundredth time for her. — There doesn’t need to be a comma there. It actually puts a really strange pause in the sentence. It’s a really simple but poignant sentence on its own, but that comma puts a clumsy lull in it.
cass, a time traveler, falls in love with esta, but, because of circumstance, she can only go into the past, making her love significantly harder to manage. — I know this is the summary but it was a really hooking one. The only problem is how it’s a run-on sentence with a lot of commas. I feel like maybe you should break it into at least two sentences so instead of having ‘but’ sandwiched between two commas, it can be delivered with more blunt sentences that lure the reader in. Maybe something like: cass, a time traveler, falls in love with esta. however, because of circumstances, she can only go into the past, making her love significantly harder to manage.
Other than that, I loved this and I’m so sad there isn’t more!