Scorpion Zero - Comments

Wow! Throughout the story, I sensed great imagery, emotion and knowledge or imagination. I love the sass and also the strength that you give Scorpion - I also like that you have shown the reader how she got such strength and into such a line of duty in all of its brutality beautifully.

I like the addition of the file entry excerpts. It makes me feel as though I have this story in the form of an ancient book right in my hands, cased in dust and exhaling dead particles as I turn each page. Really cool vibe.

There were some spelling/grammatical errors but this can be easily fixed when the story is proofread - every author makes these mistakes!

Most of all, I think it's fascinating that you have decided to tackle and implement a real-life and generally feared person into your story while focussing it on a tense matter between two countries divided. Your story gives true possibility and emphasis onto what can go on behind closed doors along with the kinds of harsh consequences that can be served to those who slightly disobey in a country so communistic and isolated.

Great story! You're doing a good job with this. The first chapter captivated me especially and I think that's important for a story.

(One)

If you kill Nightmare.... Nah but really, he and scorpion are very cute together. I'm getting all kinds of vibes from this story. I can't wait to read more. Also, there were a few grammar mistakes in this chapter. If you'd like them pointed out, feel free to let me know. Great chapter!

Wow. I have to say that this is the first story on mibba in over four years that I am actually finding myself truly excited for! This is absolutely stellar and the sort of almost tsubasa feel I am getting is making me super happy. I can not wait to read more. I like how you describe the reign of a dictator. I can not wait to see where you take this!

Summary and Layout

I LOVE the layout. Blake did an amazing job with it, and it seems like it will suit the story well. As for your summary, it packs a punch of information, but I can see why it'd be necessary. The only thing I'd recommend is possibly finding a way to shorten the summary and put that information in the chapter/story itself. However, that is a personal preference and your summary draws me in all the same as is. Great job!

opening

Let me first say that it's amazing that you are writing about something so serious. I so rarely see things like that. This is nice and refreshing. Not to mention, so few people write about different races and nationalities. Most of the characters I see for stories are white, heterosexual males and females that it's a welcome change to see a story about North Korea with Korean names and the like.

I love the beginning to this. It's just detailed enough to set the scene, plus you jump right into action. It makes me wonder what Minjun did to deserve that treatment. Did he default from the military? How does he have a bulletproof vest?

Zhi'yan sounds like an asshole for wanting to spill Minjun's blood. That's what gives him such great character, though. Your characterization is excellent. I can just picture these men in my mind as you describe then and show their mannerisms.

Oooooh. Infidelity and a lack of loyalty. That would make for a reason why he'd be shot at. AND! Zhi'yan loves Minjun's wife??? That's a brilliant twist you put in there to give even more of a reason for the guy to be a dick.

So Su-Ah is of royal descent? The plot thickens, and I love it.

I love how you show just how much enjoyment Zhi'yan is getting from telling Minjun his news. It really builds on the character along with him saying he one of the most human of his men. I'd rather not see those men in action if that's the case.

Ooooh. I wonder if that child is the one who will become Scorpion. I bet it is! This is a beautiful set-up to the story, especially with the child being deaf with jostled vision. I am wondering how that will come into play in the future.

Overall

I didn't notice any grammar mistakes and everything flowed pretty well. This was an amazing set up to the story you are building here. I can't wait to see more. It's just so intense of a story that it takes a little while to digest in the brain, so it is a bit of a read despite being just over 1,000 words so far. And it deals with such heavy topics. I would say, don't be surprised if people don't fully get it because it is an out-there story for a lot of people. But if they take the time to absorb the information, this is a great piece. I look forward to reading more of it. Keep up the great work!