Belonged - Comments

  • Don'tFearTheReaper

    Don'tFearTheReaper (100)

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    You have strong details. That is something I look for in almost every single story I read. There are a few places where, to make them stronger, you can remove one word. Less is more, almost. Where as a whole, it's strong; but by grounding that detail, it takes it to a whole different level.

    One place where I noted this was the first line: Her body shifted to where she was now laying on her right side, the blanket somewhat clinging to her body. Remove "somewhat" and bam! you have a firmer detail to work with. "Somewhat", to me, takes away from the images authors are going for.

    Speaking of details, in some spots, I wanted more. ...his manly morning smell being one. I wanted to know exactly what he smells like in the morning compared to the afternoon or evening. Is there a difference? With this line, I almost got the idea that there is a difference. It would be cool to build upon that idea with some details.

    There's definitely some editing and revising that you could do to fix this piece. (I don't want that to be everything I talk about because there's definitely more to be had here.) It's just being careful and combing out what looks right. The thing that I do is recite it out loud. I catch whatever doesn't sound right, revise it to make it better. It would certainly help the flow of your piece, especially for how short it is. (Be careful of a part and apart.)

    That last paragraph. Goodness, I died. But be careful. I think the last clause you used (it had only been nearly a few days since he was ripped from her life in a tragic car accident.) is a little too much. You could let that go and that would give the final paragraph so much weight. Think about doing something like this for the oomph you were looking for:

    When she opened her eyes she was greeted by the sun light shining through the window, her arms wrapped tightly around the tear stained pillow. It was just a dream, a memory of the man she once loved.

    His smell still imprinted in the pillow.


    I think this would give you that feeling you wanted from me, which I had before reading that last line.

    I love your short, short stories. They always have so much weight to them, with a little to revise to make it have the effect that you want. Overall, I'm very impressed with how you left the death of her lover until the last paragraph. Building up to tear it down: I love that strategy: Giving a false sense of hope. It takes a lot to do that, but you have executed this perfectly with this story. As always, keep up the good work!
    May 18th, 2015 at 06:11am
  • wish on a firefly

    wish on a firefly (885)

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    NaNoWriMo 2017
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    Sorry for the delay in handing out your treat. This is such a lovely story. It's warm and intimate and I like that in a story tell you the truth. In Love But it's sad that it was just a dream. Cry
    September 20th, 2014 at 08:52pm