Poison Apple - Comments

@ lionheart.
Thank you so much! I'll fix everything as soon as I can!

1. The layout is really pretty, especially the girl I think it fits the theme, at least so far of what I've read. Honestly, bedussey already explained what I was about too haha. I was going to just mention the same thing about trying to space your paragraphs out so they don't seem so chunky, makes a little hard to read sometimes. But overall it's off to a good start :) I'd like to read more so update soon.

@ bedussey
Thank you!
It's not mean at all, I didn't really know how to start it but thanks so much for the help I will defiantly make changes and keep this all in mind for my next chapter and next story!

The summary intrigues me and makes me wonder what role this mysterious woman has and what impact she's going to have on the two main characters. There is a bit of crossing your tenses, though: "Jack called out" vs. "Jack hasn't seen", which can easily take a reader out of the experience. I think that's the only instance I saw of it, but just keep that in mind as you're writing!

You should also break up the text by putting a space in between paragraphs. It just makes it easier to read and follow everything that's happening, especially with pieces of dialogue. And watch the comma use; I know it's easy to just place one in when you want the sentence to flow into another, but sometimes it's a little off-putting to read one after another like that.

Anyway, this story seems like it's off to a good start! I'm sorry if this comment sounds mean, I just wanted to give you some direction since I know you're new to this! Let me know if I can help you in any way!